Spankers, that’s what I call him. Always have. Every time I see pictures of his hometown, I feel tugging at my heart…a longing. I miss that place, and I miss my friend.
This story began eleven years ago. I met him in a Yahoo chat room. He was acquaintances with someone I was also acquainted with. He and I got into it one day over something stupid. I was about to write him off as just another chat jerk when he sent me a message apologizing for his behavior. From then on, we were friends. Over the years we’ve shared many intimate details with each other from our day-to-day lives. He’s been there for me through so much, and I for him. He was 19 when our friendship began. I’d never met a guy so immature, but he was so fun to talk to. When he’d come online, it would put an instant smile on my face. After we’d been friends for about a year, he told me he loved me – as a friend, and asked if it was okay that he tell me that. Of course, I was alright with it. Somewhere down the line, on nights when he’d been out to the bar – he would come home and talk to me, drunker than Cooter Brown. He got to the point where he would start talking about the possibility of an ‘us’. I always wrote the whole scenario off as the alcohol talking and never gave it another thought. This went on for years.
Four years ago, he was telling me one night how unfair it was that there were guys out there that wouldn’t treat me as they should. And he knew he could treat me better than anyone ever could. I asked him if he’d been drinking again and told him that it was the alcohol talking again. He told me he wasn’t drunk, he hadn’t been out and that it hasn’t been the alcohol talking for years – this was him. I was stunned. And he was right, I had met my fair share of jerks including The Player. He’d been there for me all those nights I cried because I wasn’t being treated like I deserved. I remember how angry he would get when The Player wouldn’t treat me as he should. We talked about the possibility of what it would be like if we were together. As my best friend, I love him with all my heart. I’d been hearing him whine all those years about how he wished he could have me for his own, but now I was starting to listen. I was still in love with the Player, of course, but I knew my friend inside and out. He’s an absolutely wonderful man. He’s very intelligent, which is a complete turn-on for me, and he knows me. He sees me for who I am, he always has. There’s so many people that don’t.
The next month, January of ’06, I got a call from him on my cell. I had sent him a text while I was at lunch. I was sitting in the parking lot at work when he called me. He told me he was thinking of coming there in March. I was absolutely delighted. Just the thought of seeing him gave me butterflies. Finally, after seven years we would get to meet face to face. He was planning on driving, which surprised me since he lives a thousand miles away. He was planning to stay with a friend of his from his hometown in New Mexico that moved a couple of hours away from me. We started making plans, we couldn’t wait to see each other. For the next two months, I worried that something would come up and he wouldn’t be able to make it. Luckily, everything went as planned and he was able to come down.
I took off from work for the two days he was in my town. I remember the first time I was face to face with him. I went to see him at his hotel room. When he came to the door, he towered at 6’4″ in the doorway. We hugged, that was nice. We spent the next couple of hours watching tv together and eventually we snuggled. At one point, I looked up at him and he kissed me. Again, the butterflies. This is someone that I’d been friends with for years. He had confided in me about his relationships and I had done the same. And now, something was developing between us. I felt my wall slowly going down. By the end of the two days, we were both dreading the moment we would have to say our goodbyes. When that time came, he was sitting in his truck and I was standing there beside him. I started crying. I’d known what a good person he is all those years, but then to get to know him in person…there’s jsut something about him. He really gets me, and I know what he feels inside. He’s incredibly handsome and he’s an amazing kisser. Phew! At one point, I looked at him and he was crying too. This made me cry even more. I knew how bad I was going to miss him. I jsut feel so happy and at peace when I’m with him. When we finally hugged each other for the last time and had our last kiss, we got in our vehicles and drove the opposite way. I cried as I watched his truck fade into the distance. At that time, I knew something had changed between us forever.
Sadly, he says he knows what he wants, but is too scared to take that step. Get out of his comfort zone. I’m not about to uproot my life for someone when they’re not willing to do the same for me. He still tells me often that he misses me and talks about the past, but I’ve learned to kind of filter it all out. Like I used to. Even after everything, after he let me down…he’s still my best friend. Of course there are some things I’d choose not to talk to him about, but we’re still close as ever. I only want the best for him, always. As I know he does for me.
For me, there is one person that comes to mind when I think of the word Player. Not because I think of him that way, but because that’s how others do and refer to him. You haven’t heard a country accent until you’ve heard his. I met him 8+ years ago, through chat. He’s the man in my life who came after Mr. Oklahoma. We had voice in that chat room, which was really cool. The first thing that struck me about this guy was his country accent. When I first met him, he was ‘dating’ a particular skank I am sad to say that I was once friends with. I wouldn’t even say they were dating. Anyway, I was new to the chat room and had started making friends. Then I became acquainted with him. By this time, he had stopped ‘dating’ the skank. We started talking, he asked for my number and it went from there. After a couple of weeks, we decided to meet. He only lived two hours away, so it was manageable. We spent the weekend together and decided to be a couple. I fell for him, hard. Not immediately, but I did. Getting him to admit his feelings was like pulling teeth. I remember him once telling me that he had missed me and he struggled to even get the words out. He was good to me for the most part and I so enjoyed the time we spent together. I absolutely loved his mom. But there were times that we were around our friends at chat parties, etc., and he would say mean things. I’m sure to him, it was just all in fun. But for me, it really struck me to the core. Little did he know that when I was still married, my ex-husband would purposely say things to belittle me and he (the ex-hub) got great joy out of it. And the wounds were still fresh. My new boyfriend’s words would really sting, but I never said a word.
We stayed together for a year (he says two), until one weekend we all spent at the beach. Before I headed that way, I felt I had to let him know how I truly felt about him. So I wrote him an email and told him that I was in love with him. He didn’t get the email until he got back home. Then after a few days, I was in our regular room one day. He was talking in voice to one of the regulars who had a girlfriend that lives pretty close to his town. He and the girl started talking. I was stunned by what I was hearing. He met the girl in person and they were talking about it openly in chat. They had actually arranged a meeting and he physically met another female chatter without letting me know. He was saying how sexy she was. I felt like hurling. She had a good 10 years on us and was quite wrinkly. I confronted him about it. He made the statement that we weren’t really together anyway. So I called him. He told me he wasn’t looking for love and could not handle having just a weekend romance. He was being very cold and he broke my heart into a million pieces.
Things were very difficult for me after that. I couldn’t stand being in a chat room with him, I would have to leave. It hurt too much. He had always been one to flirt with girls, which is how he earned the label Player. But for him to do it in front of me now? That was a bad time for me. One night I was in chat with the skank. She was a proven instigator, always trying to start crap. This particular night, she started talking about him and was coaxing me into doing the same thing. What I didn’t know was that she was sending him messages telling him that I was talking about him. He popped in there and told me to keep his name out of my business. I was again, stunned. I couldn’t believe she did that to me, but I never said anything to her about it. There was another incident later that she was trying to coordinate between me, her and his ex-girlfriend before me. She had the idea for all of us to try to lead him on. She then went to him and told him that I was trying to scheme something up against him between all of us. He confronted me about it and I explained that I was not the one behind it all. After a few minutes of talking, he did the unthinkable. He admitted to me that he hadn’t realized how much he loved me until he didn’t have me anymore. But now he was really freaked out by me trying to conjure something up between the skank and his ex-girlfriend. That was an awful way to find out how he truly felt about me.
After that, we would start seeing each other off and on. This continued for 4 more years. We’d start talking again, start seeing each other and then nothing. Everything would just come to a screeching halt. For years, I just could not seem to get over him. And of course, he didn’t help matters much. He would stay in contact with me, I guess to keep the flame burning. Is it possible he really missed me? I guess only he will ever know.
The last time I saw him was 3+ years ago. Before he met me, he had been through a divorce that had just devastated him. Because of his ex, he felt that all women were the same. At least, that’s what he said. He never would completely let go of it and give himself to another. I couldn’t continue putting myself through that cycle with him. I couldn’t see myself five years down the road still going back and forth with him. Him still not letting me in. It broke my heart, but I had to walk away. And yes, he still crosses my mind, more than he might think.