I’ve been single most of my adult life. I was married for a few years, but things didn’t go as planned. Since then, I’ve had two long-term relationships and one extremely short-lived relationship. I’m the type of person that won’t stay in a relationship jsut to have somebody. If I’m by myself and I’m lonely, I deal with it. Being with someone because you’re lonely is the worst reason in the world. My grandmother was like that. At least that’s the impression I always got.
Back to the point of this blog. I’m also not the type of person that wants to date someone forever. And when I say forever, I mean 5-10 years down the road. If I’m going to be with someone long-term, it’s got to go somewhere further eventually. And when I say that, I don’t mean that I like to rush into things. Even if I love that person, I don’t want to date them forever and that’s as far as it goes. In my last relationship (I’m omitting NM here), I felt that he was stuck in a rut. I didn’t feel like he’d ever allow himself to get past someone else’s wrong doing. I loved him, but I never knew how he felt about me.
That’s a horrible feeling when you’re in a relationship and you’re in love with them. Never knowing if that person is even capable of loving someone else. And then eventually you’re in a relationship with a person that you love and he loves you. And you find yourself wondering if maybe the two of you don’t want the same things eventually. He says something that totally floors you, something that tells you that he doesn’t see things quite like you do. Even though you’ve never expressed these things to him. He says something that makes you feel totally alone, that whatever he does has no effect on you..either short-term or long-term. That you’re in this relationship by yourself.
I had the same feeling in my last relationship (again, omitting NM). I think he cared, but I don’t think he quite knew what he had in me. And then you start to wonder. Do we want the same things? Does he think I’m jsut going to date him forever and be happy with that? Is that what he wants? Men aren’t like women. They don’t analyze things like we do. In a way, they’re simple as far as the things they say. There’s not always a hidden meaning behind their words. And I know that. But when something is said that has an effect on you and makes you wonder, you start to think. So, that’s where I’m at. Thinking and wondering. Have I misinterpreted everything? Have I convinced myself that there is more to this whole thing than what there really is? I feel myself withdrawing back to that place inside myself where it’s safe. It’s not a real happy place or feeling, but it’s what I know. And it’s where I’m at.