…like random texts from someone unexpected late at night….
…like random texts from someone unexpected late at night….
Kiwi graduated from high school last night. We’re all so very proud of her! I’m glad it’s all over with!
Never text Mom unless you know for a fact that Kiwi is at work or otherwise not sitting beside Mom answering all her texts while she drives! Grrrrrrrrrrr
For the past semester, I’ve been stressing because Kiwi had been doing poorly in 4 classes. She’d been struggling most of the year with those 4 and she had to make an 80 or above in most of those classes for the last semester to pass for the year. After semester exams, we found out that she had failed only one and it was her hardest class. She had to go for OFYP, which is a way for the student to attend that class for the last 2 weeks of the school year (only 1 week for seniors) to give them the opportunity to recover that credit. At the end of the extended period, they have to take a test to determine if they will pass or fail. She’s actually been studying all week, something I couldn’t get her to do all year. She took her test this morning and passed with an 84. She called me as soon as she found out. I’m so proud of her and I told her so. I was really stressing all of this because it would have been a big blow to her if she wouldn’t have been able to walk at graduation with her class. Especially since she sent all of her invitations and even invited my uncle the shrink who she really looks up to. I told her that studying really does pay off, she laughed and agreed. Now I can breathe a little bit 🙂
SO’s oldest daughter had her baby yesterday (Wednesday) morning. SO believes that it won’t take her long to grow tired of her bf. I think he’s right. She was getting sick of him in the hospital, poor girl. I’m hoping that she didn’t give the baby his last name, for her sake. But I’m willing to bet that she did. Unfortunately, she’s about to learn what being a grown-up is all about. We’ll see how it goes.
I worry constantly that I’m going to get that knock on my door that my son is dead. That’s my worst fear.
Now, SO found out yesterday that his mom has congenital heart failure. She’s also a smoker, but do you think any of this makes a difference to her? No. Her doctor has been telling her for years that she needs to stop, but she won’t. Me personally, I think it’s pretty selfish of her. SO doesn’t have much room to talk though. He took a brief hiatus from smoking, but secretly started again. His dad died back in December of ’08. SO is worried that now his mom will jsut give up with him being gone. That woman was never nice to me or my kids. But I’m sorry for SO’s sake.
Also, SO still hasn’t gotten skin grafts for the skin cancer, and he now has more spots. This worries me greatly.
This morning I was on my way to work when a girl friend of my son and daughter called me to tell me that my son was in the ER. When I got there, I had to fill out all the necessary paperwork. After that, they took me in to see my son. He was being stitched up. He was with his scumbag friends again last night at the river (45 minutes away) and he got very, very drunk and fell and hit his head on a coffee table, cutting his head open in the process. The girl that called me was in there holding his hand while he was getting stitched up and told him I was there. He asked her why I was there, she told him because I’m his mom and I should be there. After the doctor got done, the girl left the room and he started crying. He looked at me and told me he’s sorry, then proceeded to tell me he didn’t want me there and to leave. So, I left. My mom took him to her house and let him sleep off his drunkeness. Kiwi asked him once he woke up what’s going on with him. She told him that she’s already got a phone call that somebody died in his apartment, he’s been in a wreck, then he was arrested and now he was taken to the hospital. She asked him what’s next, that she gets a phone call that her brother is dead? She said he started crying and told her he’s sorry. Kiwi said he didn’t remember how he got hurt or even getting stitches. She said that he told her he’s already disappointed me so much. I told my mom and Kiwi that the way he was talking to me this morning is like he no longer wants me in his life. I told them both that I’m done. I’m tired of him hurting me and never saying he’s sorry. He no longer wants a mother, then that’s fine. He doesn’t have one. He’s chosen these two morons over his only parent.
I spent some time with SO this afternoon. When I got home, the two scumbags were in my driveway. I honked my horn at them to move. After I pulled in and parked my car, my son walked outside with his dog and said nothing to me. SO has been trying to be supportive, but also trying to get me to understand that he’s got to learn on his own. I told him I understand all that, but it hurts when your only son basically tells you to leave him alone and stay out of his life. Fine. He wants me gone, I’m gone. He thinks the scumbags have his back, then he can make that one phone call to them in the future.
It’s amazing how completely botching my birthday can have such a profound effect on me. Please don’t think me to be materialist, because I’m not. I never ask for anything from anyone and never expect the person I’m with to dote on me. But when there’s a past history of belittlement, insensitivity, and selfishness (among other things), I tend to remember. I don’t want to go through life with someone who’s going to jsut put me on the back burner and then be made to feel (intended or not) like the bad guy. I know you all have high hopes for me and I don’t expect you to completely understand. Mostly because when you all met me, I’d only been divorced a couple of years and had already managed to get myself over the hump. My family has seen me go through it all. The 5 short years of being made to feel inadequate and not so important and then all the meanness that followed.
I’m not sure what I’m going to do at this point, but I promise you I will be doing a lot of reflecting. Yes, the past 7 months might have been good up until now. And I have seen small similarities to the past. But if this is only a glimpse of what’s to come, I don’t want to travel that road anymore. My only regret is that my daughter will be extremely disappointed if I choose to walk away. We haven’t been able to spend any time together in the past couple of weeks. And it’s seemed here in the past couple of months that the longer we’re together, the less we see of one another. And we live 20 miles apart. Same ole song and dance in my life, it’s me going to see him. Lucky for me, he leaves tomorrow to get his nephew who is to spend the summer with him. It’s his brother and sister-in-law’s last stitch to save their first born, he’s to go stay with SO and let him straighten the kid out. Another result of choosing not to discipline their child. I’m hoping during this time, I’ll find some clarity.
Signing out for now…
First SO effed it up and then my son. Even though neither of you will ever find my blog or even learn of its existence, thanks – both of you. Today made me not even want to have birthdays anymore and jsut skip them all together.
Ok, even though SO was once married to me – he didn’t remember my birthday until 3 months ago when Kiwi told him. He marked it in his calendar on his phone. It seemed really important to him so I thought, gosh he seems like he’s going to put some effort into this. In our past, I was never a priority to him so it wasn’t unusual to get a watch or soap set or something that requires little thought from him. The closer it got to my birthday it became evident that he didn’t have anything in mind at all. In fact, he was clueless. He started asking weeks ago what I wanted, I never know what I want because I don’t normally buy things for myself. I buy for my kids first. And I’ve always been this way, but my family manages to get me stuff jsut fine with no idea what to get. After all those years of being married to him and being made to feel that I wasn’t all that significant, it got to where I started feeling really weirded-out around birthdays and Christmas. Those were times that I would give the answer, “You don’t have to get me anything” because he always had a way of making me out to be the bad guy jsut by feeling sorry for himself.
Anyway, he noticed a few weeks ago that I need tires on my car and asked when I’m going to get new ones. I told him he’s not getting me tires for my birthday. “Well damn!” Two nights ago, I went to Home Depot and bought an electric pressure washer as a birthday present to myself. He told me that was something that could have been from him. I told him I don’t want him to buy me a pressure washer (especially for my birthday). Yep, real romantic that one is. He told me he sucks as a boyfriend. So my son had asked me last week to go hear him sing last night, SO knew this. Fast forward to yesterday. I’ve been cramping for days. So much to the point that when I lay down, I can feel that my ovaries are sore. I’ve felt for the past couple of days that my remaining girly parts are rotting, that’s how much it hurt. SO knew this before he came over yesterday. He came over around 5ish and asked me where I wanted to go (he meant shopping for me). I asked if he was hungry (wanting to avoid the inevitable), so we went to eat. I wanted to tell him again, that he didn’t have to get me anything because I knew how things would go. After we ate, he drug me to the mall. Forget that I don’t feel good. I quickly began to see that it wasn’t so much about getting me anything anymore, it was more about him not feeling bad. That was apparent when we got to the mall and I told him he really didn’t have to get me anything. He told me “Ok, if you jsut don’t want anything from me”. Ok, so now I’m the bad guy. Wow, something seems familiar about this.
He drug me all over the mall, clueless. I’m still hurting. We left empty-handed. He wanted to go somewhere else, but I wasn’t up to it. Still hurting. He says he’s probably fixing to piss me off, but oh well. He then proceeds to the bank and goes to the ATM. We leave, and we’re headed back to my house. We’re almost to the main road and then he takes a detour. He says he has one more stop. He goes to my local area grocery store and says he’ll be right back. He’s gone for 10 minutes and comes back with a small vase with a single rose and one of those cheesy little balloons on a stick. He hands it to me and says in his mopey voice ‘Happy birthday, I suck as a boyfriend’. He takes me home, he gets out and says he has to fix my card. There was a silver car sitting in my driveway and I thought it was my son’s female friend because they were supposed to sing together. After a couple of minutes I look back up and see that it’s my sister. She’s giving me evil looks as she’s walking to her car and then she leaves. He gets back in and gives me the card and tells me not to open it til I’m inside. Ok….
Once I get in the house, Kiwi comes in real excited with all of these bags of stuff and gives me two cards. One from her and one from son(I really need to come up with a good pseudo for him) and Tater, and then one from my parents. It was really sweet and cheered me up a bit. Then I opened SO’s card and saw that it contained $100 and was enscribed ‘I love you’. When Kiwi saw the money, she looked at me like ‘Are you kidding me?’. I put it back in the envelope and tossed it on my bed. I told Kiwi what happened. When I got to the part about the ATM, she said ‘That was A-holeish’. Yep. Had he still been with SHB, he would have already had her something. He treated her like a queen, but never me.
A few minutes later, son, Kiwi and I went to the Kareoke place. We had a good time until son’s two scummy friends, you know, the one that got him on drugs, walked in. I knew they were planning on him going with them, which he did. But before they left, I told his friends I don’t want them putting him in any inpositions. I don’t want him around any more drugs and I was the one that had to bale him out, not them. And it was my birthday and they had the nerve to hang around. I sent my son a text later telling him that I had a horrible birthday until I spent time with him and Kiwi and it got better until his ‘friends’ walked in. And I felt it was inconsiderate of him to leave with them. We texted back and forth, along with Gma(grandma) texting him. He got mad, of course and didn’t come home. I told Mom that I can’t keep doing this with him, he’s got me so stressed out it’s unbelievable. Sighs.
Anyway, that was my sucky birthday. I hope I can jsut avoid any and all birthdays from now on.