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That’s what yesterday was for me. A couple of nights ago, SO and I went to dinner. He began asking me what I want for my birthday. I clammed up. I hate talking about my birthday, I’d rather jsut skip that day of the year because I don’t like the focus to be on me. That and Mother’s Day, because most of the time I feel unappreciated by my kids – so why pretend to appreciate me one day of the year? I can’t explain about my birthday though, only to say that it makes me feel weird when others buy things for me. Anyway, SO continued asking and told me to ‘jsut say it’, ‘you know what you want’, then told me that I need to tell him now so he’ll have enough time to order it. Order what?  I jsut assume skip my birthday anyway. I told him I don’t want anything, ‘don’t get me anything’. Maybe some of the bitterness still lingers from times in our marriage and then the almost 11 years prior to where we are today. I’d rather focus on someone else and do for them instead of them do for me. Kinda fucked up, isn’t it? So, for the next two weeks almost – I’ve got that looming over my head. Maybe SO’s daughter will have her baby on my birthday so that will take away the focus from me.

Yesterday was SO’s daughter’s baby shower. Tater and Kiwi got invited, of course. I didn’t. She was 7 when we split up and we were never close before that because her mother had spewed things to her about me that weren’t true. Once SO and SHB got together, she and SO’s daughter became close. And of course, SHB hated me so I’m sure she said all kinds of things about me as well. While we were together, his daughter had never given me a chance. Having grown up hearing negative things about me, it came as no surprise that I wasn’t invited. But I got her some stuff anyway.

Since last year, one of our newbie managers has been wanting my job – ever since she got promoted to manager. Every now and then, one of the other managers or one of the supervisors that I work with will come to me and tell me she’s been telling them again that she wants my job and how my DM said she could have it. That’s funny, because when he was my boss – he put me in that position. In fact, when I approached him about my interest in the position, he told me he’d already decided on me anyway. My current boss, who we’d thought was transferring at the time, had told me that the store needed me in that position. Now, when someone gets promoted to manager, the DM always asks the newbie what position they would like to have. That doesn’t mean that’s the position they will get, the DM is jsut giving them incentive and making sure they actually have a goal for themselves. This particular newbie had told him she wanted my position. My DM never promised it to her and he doesn’t micro-manage any of our stores either. But she’s got it in her head now that she’s going to get my position. Where the fuck she think I’m gonna go? So, after people telling me for months that newbie’s been talking about getting your position again and when someone tells her I’m not going anywhere. Her reaction is “But DM said….” and she’s explained to that doesn’t mean a hill of beans. He’s jsut giving you encouragement. A couple of months ago, she talked to him about it again. Now, I know my department like the back of my hand. And if you screw something up, even the smallest thing, it can be bad and will look bad on the store. She knows very little about my department and every time she does something up there – she screws it up and I have to fix it. A couple of days ago, one of the managers told me again that she was talking about getting my position a few days ago. He told her that she needs to jsut leave it alone because I’m not going anywhere. “But DM said…” and again she was told that I’m not going anywhere.

So, last night I said something to her. I was already in a foul mood and was sick of always watching her try to take over my department. She got back from lunch and I asked her if she thinks I’m gonna quit or something, point blank. She said, no – why? I told her because people keep coming to me and telling me that she’s saying she’s taking my position and I’m jsut curious where she thinks I’m going. She wouldn’t even look at me and said she hasn’t said that. I kept looking at her, and told her that people keep coming to me telling me she’s telling them she’s getting my position. Again, she wouldn’t look at me and said she’s never said that and left my department and didn’t come back up there for the rest of the night until I left. We’ll see if she keeps saying something. I jsut wanted to let her know in not so many words that I’m not going anywhere unless I’m forced to.

And then there’s Kiwi, she still maintains that KLB is the greatest ‘man’ in the world. And she refuses to see how much she’s changed since she’s been with him. It’s affecting everyone she’s really close to and has put an enormous strain on our relationship. We got in an almost fight yesterday about it while we were out at lunch together. After seeing her refusal to acknowledge anything, I couldn’t eat anything else. When I get really upset, I can’t eat. She doesn’t recognize that. She asked if I was full, I told her I no longer had an appetite. She made small talk after that and I said nothing else. She texted me after I took her back to work and asked what’s wrong. I never replied. I’m tired of discussing it. She texted SO and asked him to check on me and told him I was acting weird. When I got off work last night I check my messages and I had one from him asking if I was ok. I asked him if he and Tater had a good time at the shower. He said yes, call me. Once I did, he told me about Kiwi texting him. I explained to him what was going on and that I’m jsut at the end of my rope with it. I’m tired of her being ugly about things constantly and always being mean to Tater. I’m also tired of her glorifying KLB when he doesn’t deserve to be. At this point, I don’t know that she’ll ever snap out of this and start being a daughter and a sister again. Sighs.

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