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It’s amazing how completely botching my birthday can have such a profound effect on me. Please don’t think me to be materialist, because I’m not. I never ask for anything from anyone and never expect the person I’m with to dote on me. But when there’s a past history of belittlement, insensitivity, and selfishness (among other things), I tend to remember. I don’t want to go through life with someone who’s going to jsut put me on the back burner and then be made to feel (intended or not) like the bad guy. I know you all have high hopes for me and I don’t expect you to completely understand. Mostly because when you all met me, I’d only been divorced a couple of years and had already managed to get myself over the hump. My family has seen me go through it all. The 5 short years of being made to feel inadequate and not so important and then all the meanness that followed.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do at this point, but I promise you I will be doing a lot of reflecting. Yes, the past 7 months might have been good up until now. And I have seen small similarities to the past. But if this is only a glimpse of what’s to come, I don’t want to travel that road anymore. My only regret is that my daughter will be extremely disappointed if I choose to walk away. We haven’t been able to spend any time together in the past couple of weeks. And it’s seemed here in the past couple of months that the longer we’re together, the less we see of one another. And we live 20 miles apart. Same ole song and dance in my life, it’s me going to see him. Lucky for me, he leaves tomorrow to get his nephew who is to spend the summer with him. It’s his brother and sister-in-law’s last stitch to save their first born, he’s to go stay with SO and let him straighten the kid out. Another result of choosing not to discipline their child. I’m hoping during this time, I’ll find some clarity.

Signing out for now…