got more than my fair share of it, so please forgive me if i jsut withdraw into myself.
I’m the devil…
and I’ve been thinking….
that things are not gonna work…
Things started to change for me a few months ago. First, there was February, two days before Valentine’s Day. My favorite Texas country band came to the area, we went to the concert. We were sitting up in the bleachers, and while we were waiting for it to start, there was a girl that saw him and stopped and smiled and motioned for him to come to her. He acted as if he didn’t see her, but he was looking straight at her. She motioned him to come to her again. I started getting that old familiar feeling, the one I always got when I was married to him. When he was cheating. He tried to blow it off, but I asked who she was and he wouldn’t give me a straight answer. He finally told me that she works at Wal-Mart and wanted to go out with him. Then he went in to this big speech that he screwed up before and knew that he hurt me but he would never cheat on me again. He’d been drinking and wasn’t being quiet so I was a bit embarrassed. Right before his big speech, he’d told me he was going to change the ring on my left finger. Hmmz. Omen, perhaps?
Also in February, SO and I went to a concert where one of my favorite singers was performing, the one who sings our song. I’d always wanted to go see him and he was playing at this ATV park. I’d never been four-wheeling before so I agreed to give it a try. It was a place out in the woods about 40 miles from here sitting on 1000 acres. There was probably 75-100 people out there and it was butt cold. Plus we have that famous orange dirt around here, so the mud is orange as well. The only time I had fun was when I got to drive because SO’s driving scares me to death. He kept telling me I have to get used to it when he was driving fast. It wasn’t fun and it’s not something I would like to do again. It didn’t help that I had a horrible headache all day. The concert was amazing and I really enjoyed it, but that was about it. SO gets very selfish when we’re doing something he wants to do. It’s all about him, that hasn’t changed since we were married.
Then March came along when MS (my son) started getting into trouble. First there was the dead guy they found in his loft when his deadbeat friends threw him a birthday party. They found the guy on his birthday. I’ll never forget MS in tears calling me to tell me he was sorry and that he loves me. SO was there for me and would listen when I needed him to. But I don’t think he liked that I had drama going on in my life, it took focus off of him. And when things continued to get worse for MS, he couldn’t see that those kids were bad for him. None of his problems started until he got around them.
Nothing significant happened in April except for MS refusing to see that his ‘friends’ were bad news. Of course, since March I stayed upset. SO didn’t like that.
And then there was May. First there was Tater’s birthday. SO wasn’t at ease at my parents house, of course he never has been at ease around them. MS brought his friends over there. MS acted fine, but his ‘friends’ were acting a little strange. SO said they were high as a kite, I don’t know if they were or not. Then two nights later, MS got arrested. That was very emotional for me. And then there was my birthday, when SO got me NOTHING and I was made to feel bad, as if it was my fault. And then MS got me and Kiwi to go to a diner downtown where he was supposed to be singing that night. And then the thugs showed up and ruined it for me. Less than a week later, MS had the accident out at the lake. He tripped over something and hit his head on a coffee table and had to get stitches. The only one there that was sober made one of the thugs drive him 45 minutes to the hospital. When MS found out that I was in the room while he was getting stitched up, he said he didn’t want me to be there. Once everyone cleared the room, he started crying and said he was sorry and started crying again. He was still very, very drunk. He told me he didn’t want me seeing him like that. When the nurse came in he told me to leave, that broke my heart.
The next day, he went back to the loft with the thugs. I lived in constant fear that something worse was going to happen to him. I lived in constant fear. I got scared everytime there was a knock at my door. I was scared to death it was someone coming to tell me that my son had died. SO wasn’t very helpful. When I was crying and jsut needed someone to listen, he wanted to have his say. He kept telling me (literally) over and over, “He is a twenty-one (and he enunciated every syllable) year old man. You cannot help him.” He said some other things that I can’t remember. All I do remember is him repeating himself over and over enunciating his words like I was stupid and didn’t understand the first time. I was sad and worried every day. My son was on the verge of dying from being stupid and being around stupid people, but I wasn’t supposed to be affected by it.
Luckily, after a little over a week, he met NGF or should I say fiance!!! 🙂 We met her when he brought her to Kiwi’s graduation. And things really turned around. The nights leading up to his court appearance, NGF stayed with him. The night before his appearance, he stayed up all night, he couldn’t sleep. She said when she’d open her eyes, he was laying there looking at her and he would start crying. Everything was finally clear to him, he needed to get away from the thugs. He finally had a chance of turning things around for himself and he faced losing it all. It all seems like a lifetime ago, everything that happened in the past months before he met her. We all feel very blessed.
And SO, I’ve been drifting away from him further and further since Feb. 12th. We don’t like the same things. We get along ok, but he’s still got that underlying negativity. And it’s still about him. I was talking to Mom a few days ago. I told her how I was feeling. I’ll always love SO, of course, but I can’t see myself being married to him again. I jsut can’t. I’m not happy.
We used to see each other at least once a week. It was that way because of our conflicting work schedules. Since school has been out, he’s had his nephew staying with him. His brother and wife sent him to stay with SO for the summer to straighten him out. After 16 years of never disciplining their kids, the oldest is a heathen. Slang for him being an absolute terror. Since he’s been staying with SO, we see each other once every couple of weeks. The lack of our seeing each other hasn’t grown us apart, it’s been happening since February.
So, here we are today.
A couple of nights ago, my son and NGF came over. They told me they want to get married. Today my son bought her a ring. I’m so happy for them! I’m gonna be a mother-in-law…who would have ever thought it?!
Yesterday I went to the doctor, well the nurse practitioner. I know several people who have gone to her and they really like her. For the past month, I’ve been cramping almost daily. I made my appointment last month and finally got to go yesterday. As I suspected, I have ovarian cysts. The funny thing is that the cysts on my left ovary have been hurting the most and they’re smaller than the ones on the right. She put me on prescription strength ibuprofen and told me not to take any other type of pain reliever other than Tylenol. Of course, the pap and the camera probe thingy made me start cramping again. Sighs. At least it’s not something else because both of my grandmothers had cancer, one breast cancer and the other ovarian.
We found out this past week that the owners of our company sold to an investment firm. This was pretty surprising because their grandfather started the company. I’m going to look at it as a good thing. I think they can help us reach our goals of expanding even quick than what we anticipated. Another exciting thing is that we went live last month with e-commerce, meaning people can buy things online. People that are not familiar with our company or don’t have stores in their area can now buy things at their convenience. They tell us we’ve had lots of hits from the Washington state area. Coolio!
Son and NGF are really excited about moving into their new place and we’re excited for them. Son texted me today and apologized for everything he’s put me through. I told him he’s already been forgiven. He’s a good kid, I’m jsut thankful he’s finally getting his life straightened out.
In other news, one of my ears seem to be clogged up and I feel a lot of pressure on it. I can’t hear real well out of it and have tried using cleaning solutions, but have gotten nothing and had very little results. Mom thinks it’s the weather. I don’t care what’s causing it, I’m jsut tired of the ringing and feeling like I’m half-deaf. Bleah.
Yesterday Son, NG (New Girlfriend) and I moved the last of his things out of the loft where the losers reside. He’s finally out of there! He and NG have known each other for about 3 weeks or so. They really like each other. She’s Kiwi’s age, according to Kiwi – she’s younger because her birthday is after Kiwi’s. Kids. I don’t care what Kiwi says, they’re still the same age. Anyway, my entire family likes her – my parents included. And her family likes him. Now, here’s the surprising part. They’ve decided to move in together, and I’m okay with it. I know it’s fast, but she couldn’t have come along in his life at a better time. We’ve all been praying for him and now he’s got her. She was raised the same way that I raised him with the same beliefs and values. She also goes to church each week, which is something we’ve been saying for a long time that he desperately needs. The neat thing is that everyone in both of our families is in favor of this and are willing to help them out. I’m giving them their deposit and helping them get a loan for their first months rent. Son will be working for my dad until he can find a job. He’s also taken those disgusting gages out of his ears and letting the holes close up. NG is also getting a job. We went and looked at the place yesterday. It’s a mobile home (not trashy either) in a nice neighborhood. It’s quiet and in a community that I always wanted to live in. I’m really excited for them. Last night, we were on our way back to my parents house from looking at the place. I looked back at Son and told him this is a new beginning for him. He asked, ‘Does that mean yes?’ I nodded, and he put this huge grin on his face. And each time I’d look back at him, he was looking out the window with a smile on his face. I told NG that’s the first time I’ve seen him this happy in a long time. I thought he was gonna start crying he was so happy.He told me he feels like it’s all too good to be true. The good thing is, he’s chosen her over the losers. She told him she’ll be there with him unless he brings them back into the picture and then she’s gone. I think he’s finally starting to see that they’re bad for him. He told us yesterday that the main loser got him into so much trouble. I’m glad he’s recognized that. I’m keeping my fingers crossed.
My son had his initial appearance this morning. We talked to the prosecutor and he gave his recommendation to the judge. The outcome? 6 months deferred adjudication probation, 24 hours community service, $613 in fines and court costs, and evaluation/treatment by the alcohol/drug abuse council.
He has a new girlfriend who was raised the way I raised him. She told me this morning that he’s been crying a lot about this lately and last night he stayed up all night crying. She doesn’t like his ‘friends’ either and has told him (as we all have) that he needs to get away from them. I’ve got my fingers crossed.