Saturday was a long day for all of us. SO had a friend come down with a flatbed trailer from the Houston area to help clean up. SO’s bff and his bff’s gf (SOBFF & GF) came over also. We all spent all day gathering things he wanted to keep.  While going through the dining room cabinets, I found a dolphin clock made of thick glass. SHB collected dolphins, I’ll never look at them the same way again. I sat there and looked at it for a second and said hmph. I held it by the edge and smashed it against the floor and watched it shatter into a million pieces. That felt good. I threw the piece I still had in my hand back in the cabinet. GF found a picture of SHB in her wedding dress standing out in the grass. She ripped it up into tiny pieces, we both laughed. A few minutes later I found a photo album, GF told me that SO only wanted pictures of the kids. I found two. The rest was of SHB and SO when he was younger. I could tell it was shortly after me because of how young he looked. Grrrr. I tossed it back in the cabinet.

SO had asked GF to run to his mom’s and give her medicine. I haven’t talked to her since before we divorced. When we got there, she was sitting outside on her porch. I walked up and she gave me a squeezy hug. That really surprised me. We talked for a few minutes and then GF and I left. His mom hugged me again before we left. When we got back to SO’s he asked how it went. GF told him it went really well, SO seemed surprised. His mom has been cool with us since we got back together. GF told me that she’s told him to bring me along before, but I think he’s afraid we would be weird about it.

SO kept some of his furniture, but left most of it. GF told me he was keeping the dresser in his closet, the one we had from our marriage. I was shocked he wanted to keep it, but he did. It went to storage with everything else he decided to keep. That night GF and I went to wally-world and got us each a swimsuit, picked up some food and went to SO’s boss’ house. His boss was out-of-town getting his travel trailer for SO to stay in. He told SO we could all hang out at his pool if we wanted. We all hung out in the pool and the hot tub. We had fun, it was a good ending to a very long and hot day. Afterwards, we drove 30 miles to SOBFF and GF’s house. SO and I shared a room, of course. He hadn’t had but about 7 hours of sleep in the past 4 days, so he slept like a baby. He stayed snuggled up to me all night. I love that.

Since SO and I broke up, I’ve been able to sit back and reflect on it all. I’ve come to the following conclusions: SO and I will not always have the same interests and if we did, life would be very boring. SO is not, by far, the best gift giver. That’s a given. Most men need a little help in that department, I jsut let my pride get in my way. SO got past his nightlife days years ago, and for that I’m grateful. He’s not perfect. I think all of y’all know that jsut from things I’ve said. But he is a good man and has a big heart. He has good intentions and he tries to do what’s right. He’ll help anybody under the sun if they need it. He made some mistakes with us years ago and he knows that, he sees it. I think I went into this thing originally with the wrong thinking. I thought I knew what to expect, but I didn’t. I forgot that even though we were married, 10 years have passed since we’ve been together. People change during that time. I changed quite a bit during that time, so I know he had to. And you have to learn about each other all over again. We’re both doing that. Learning.

I know what I went through in the past, nobody knows that past better than me. And I’ve learned/realized a few things recently. My suspicions about SHB were right all along. That when SO and I were separated and he had mentioned a girl in a white truck…the one that he’d met but now wouldn’t leave him alone…that was SHB. I was right about that. His best friend’s gf confirmed that this weekend. Once SHB met him, she latched on and wouldn’t let him out of her sight. Crazy. I also learned that SHB was somebody that always had to be doing something, literally. She was a spur of the moment type person, but also one that couldn’t jsut sit still. GF told me that SOBFF would get pissy when around SHB and would tell her ‘OMG SHB would you stfu!’ Apparently SOBFF hated her since day one, that’s what his gf told me.  During our time together, SO quickly learned that I’m not a spur of the moment type person.  I’m calm and I like to plan things. I also learned from talking to GF that SO has never forgiven himself for cheating on me. She said she’s heard him say on 5 different occasions (when he was drunk) “I messed up, I lost my family”. She said she’s never said anything to him about it, but she truly believes that’s why he keeps saying it, because he hasn’t forgiven himself. I told her I forgave him a long time ago, he’s got to learn to do the same.

SO’s group of friends are jsut a bunch of small town guys. When they get together, they like to eat and sit around in the garage and drink beer and smoke a little weed. I’m ok with that. SO doesn’t smoke it anymore because of his job, but I’d be ok with it if he did. They never do it when the kids are there.

One thing that’s never changed between us is that even during the SHB years, I loved him. I jsut buried it. He still loved me too, he admitted that to me a few days ago, that he’s always loved me. About a week ago, he had called for something. While on the phone with him, I told him I love him, he told me the same. I can’t pretend that I don’t, I’ve tried to but I’m not very good at pretending. I’ve said it to him a couple more times since then, I want him to know that I do. You can’t jsut turn those feelings off. Yesterday, I took Tater over to the house. I walked her through the house and she took pictures inside and out. She also got a few more things out of there that she wanted to keep. SO’s boss brought over a travel trailer for him to stay in until he gets something else. SO is talking about getting another mobile home, but we want him to build a house. He already has a slab a few feet in front of his house now. Me and GF think it’s for a reason. That all of this is. Anyway, SOBFF and GF had come over yesterday afternoon to check on him. After they left, SO, Tater and I were sitting in the travel trailer. SO looked at me and I mouthed the words I love you to him. He did the same. When we were leaving, he hugged me and told me he loved me and kissed me goodbye. He called me yesterday evening to thank me for everything I did for him this weekend. Then he told me that he loves me, I told him the same. I told him I miss him and he said he misses me too. I told him I’d like to come see him one night this week, and he seemed happy about that.

I know some of y’all may not agree with all of this. But this is my life. I know things with him may not always be perfect, but I do love him and I’m willing to give it a go and see where it goes.