I’ve gotten to the point that I don’t text SO since our last episode together. I can’t put myself through that mess again. If I speak to him, he’s checking in with me because he hasn’t heard from me. I haven’t spoken to him in a few days. Monday I had a horrible migraine, so much to the point that I left work a couple of hours early. He had texted me to find out how I was doing since he hadn’t heard from me. I told him I had a migraine, so you would think he’d understand that I didn’t feel well at all. He texted me a little while later and told me that two of his dogs ran off and that his third dog is sick. He keeps them in a kennel day after day. To me, it’s not right to keep a dog penned up. They need space to run around, they shouldn’t be cooped up in a 4x6x6 kennel. It jsut ain’t right. He told me he let his dogs out and they ran off. Go figure, I would have too. I asked him if he left them outside unattended. He told me he was out there with him and that he’s not a piece of shit. I instantly got irritated. I asked him if I said he was and told him that I said nothing that even resembled something like that. He said he lets them outside for a few minutes each day and they ran down the driveway and he wasn’t able to find them. I told him that since one of them was a purebred, someone might get her. And if they didn’t come back, I would check with the shelter the next day. After he found them, he then told me that I hurt his feelings. He told me that he loves his animals and that they’re all he has when he’s home alone. I became irritated again. I told him I was sorry about his dogs, but I never implied that he doesn’t care for them. He said that I asked if he was outside with them and maybe he took it the wrong way. Then told me that he’d told me that his dog is sick and it was his dad’s and that’s all he has left to think about him. I told him I was sorry, but he gets upset at me when he’s feeling bad and I haven’t done anything. He apologized and said he’d leave me alone. I got even more irritated and told him I can’t even talk to him. I told him I had a migraine and felt like crap and I was glad he found his dogs.
I’ve gotten to the point that I don’t even want to see him. At least not on a one on one basis. I definitely don’t want to have sex with him. It’s too personal of an act between two people for him to ruin it for me again with his words. I have noticed that during my time away from him, I’m not so uptight. And I’m not afraid of Spankers or someone else texting me. He’s a jealous person and it’s a lot to deal with when he gets that way. Don’t get me wrong, I love SO and I always will. But his words of hurt time and time again have overshadowed any good within our time together. I can honestly say he’s seriously pushed me away. And this time, I’m not so full of hurt and emotion. I’m shocked that I’ve dealt with everything that I have for the past couple of years and jsut put up with it. It wasn’t always this way, he gradually went into that mode over time. But it’s too much. And I’m aware of what I deserve, and it isn’t that.
Mom and I had talked about SO a couple of days before. She knows what I’ve put up with from him and that’s very disappointing for her. She brought up Spankers. She told me that she was getting her hair cut a few days before by a friend of mine and they were both talking about Spankers and how much they had liked him. My family really liked him when he came to visit.Anyway, he replied to my text after a couple of hours. I texted Spankers the day after my convo with SO. Spankers and I talked for a while. I told him the short version of what happened with my failed relationship. I gave him the short version, I didn’t go into the intimate details because Spankers is emotionally attached to me and he’s very protective of me and does not like to hear about anyone mistreating me. He told me that he’s glad I got out, that I deserve to be treated right. He asked me if I know that. He told me that not all guys are abusive and he’s sorry I went through that. After we talked for a bit, I admitted something to him. That it makes me sad we don’t live closer to one another. He told me it made his heart feel funny to see me say that. And he’s thought the same thing more than once. He told me he loves me no matter what. I apologized to him for being silent for so long. He told me he’s the king of silent and had distanced himself from me so as not to be a distraction. We’ve talked about that many times in the past. He usually initiates that particular convo. He doesn’t hold his feelings back from me. That’s one of the things I love about him. I can be completely honest with him about every aspect of my life. I don’t have to sugar-coat anything. He’s a good man and I know that if we were ever given the chance to really be together, he’d take care of me the way I deserve. So, yeah, knowing all that makes me sad.
Looking back at SO, it angers me because he should know me better than most. But he doesn’t see things that he should. He’s more selfish than anything. I’m not saying it should all be about me, but at least some of it should. And it never really has. He’s done things for me in the past to make himself feel good. If something didn’t go right, what he focused on is not how it made me feel, but how it made him feel. He didn’t take care of me like he should have. He should have been kind to me and done nice things for me, come to see me. And said nice things, not hurtful things that he says should only affect him and not me. He didn’t make me feel special on my birthday. He didn’t like going around my family, he always felt uncomfortable even though they were always good to him. He should have picked me up instead of me always having to go to him. He didn’t love me like I’ve always longed to be loved, the way I know that I deserve to be. He didn’t take care of my heart. I want to have that love that fulfills all that. One that makes me feel loved, needed and safe. I want to be incredibly happy, for always, not jsut a temporary patch. A love that will make me happy not only on the outside, but the inside as well. I want to be overcome with love, affection and some frigging foreplay for God’s sake! I’m not giving up hope that I find all of that.
So, I have this old Yahoo friend. I quit talking to her for years because she kept pushing my friendship aside, always for a guy. When whatever guy she was ‘friends’ with would be ugly to me…she would defend him when I’d say something to her about it. She would jsut rave about these guys, each one of them was a dick. The last straw for me was one of those dicks being a total jerk to me, she said nothing. I sent her a message telling her that I ‘d had it with her male friends being total assholes to me and her making excuses for them and acting as if they’re so great, blah blah blah. I was very long-winded when I told her that for someone that claimed I was her bff and that she cherished my friendship oh so much, that I was tired of always being there for her and her always blowing me off. When I’d talk to her on the phone, she’d cut me off because whatever she had going on was always more important, even when I really needed to talk. Her male friends always took precedence over me. She always had a way of making me feel insignificant. And the one guy that meant a lot to me, she hated and always told me so. I always wondered if maybe she was jealous or something, but who knows. So, after enduring all of that for a few short years, I told her off and stopped speaking to her.
A couple of years ago, she sent me a message telling me how she missed my friendship. So I started talking to her again. I’d started noticing things again. She was still putting her guy friends on a pedestal. I got tired of hearing it. I could tell she hadn’t really changed at all. When I was going through my crisis a few weeks ago, I texted her and never heard from her. Thanks, FRIEND. I didn’t try to contact her after that. So, yesterday, Whabbs tagged Arie and I in a post that both of us have a MSTC. Ironically, right after I was tagged, my ‘friend’ sent me a message telling me that if she ever failed me as a friend, she’s sorry. Well that’s the understatement of the century. Time and time again she failed me as a friend. I was always a friend of convenience to her. She talked to me when she needed me but was rarely there when I needed a friend. Nothing’s changed. I’ll continue to keep her at a distance from this point forward.
I swiped this from a post on John Tesh’s facebook page…
A sweet lesson on patience.
A NYC Taxi driver wrote:
I arrived at the address and honked the horn. After waiting a few minutes I honked again. Since this was going to be my last ride of my shift I thought about just driving away, but instead I put the car in park and walked up to the door and knocked.. ‘Just a minute’, answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor.
After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90’s stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940’s movie.
By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets.
There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard
box filled with photos and glassware.
‘Would you carry my bag out to the car?’ she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman.
She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.
She kept thanking me for my kindness. ‘It’s nothing’, I told her.. ‘I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother to be treated.’
‘Oh, you’re such a good boy, she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address and then asked, ‘Could you drive
‘It’s not the shortest way,’ I answered quickly..
‘Oh, I don’t mind,’ she said. ‘I’m in no hurry. I’m on my way to a hospice.
I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. ‘I don’t have any family left,’ she continued in a soft voice..’The doctor says I don’t have very long.’ I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.
‘What route would you like me to take?’ I asked.
For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator.
We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.
Sometimes she’d ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.
As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, ‘I’m tired.Let’s go now’.
We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico.
Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move.
They must have been expecting her.
I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.
‘How much do I owe you?’ She asked, reaching into her purse.
‘Nothing,’ I said
‘You have to make a living,’ she answered.
‘There are other passengers,’ I responded.
Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug.She held onto me tightly.
‘You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,’ she said. ‘Thank you.’
I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light.. Behind me, a door shut.It was the sound of the closing of a life..
I didn’t pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day,I could hardly talk.What if that woman had gotten an angry driver,or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?
On a quick review, I don’t think that I have done anything more important in my life.
We’re conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.
But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.