I’ve gotten to the point that I don’t text SO since our last episode together. I can’t put myself through that mess again. If I speak to him, he’s checking in with me because he hasn’t heard from me. I haven’t spoken to him in a few days. Monday I had a horrible migraine, so much to the point that I left work a couple of hours early. He had texted me to find out how I was doing since he hadn’t heard from me. I told him I had a migraine, so you would think he’d understand that I didn’t feel well at all. He texted me a little while later and told me that two of his dogs ran off and that his third dog is sick. He keeps them in a kennel day after day. To me, it’s not right to keep a dog penned up. They need space to run around, they shouldn’t be cooped up in a 4x6x6 kennel. It jsut ain’t right. He told me he let his dogs out and they ran off. Go figure, I would have too. I asked him if he left them outside unattended. He told me he was out there with him and that he’s not a piece of shit. I instantly got irritated. I asked him if I said he was and told him that I said nothing that even resembled something like that. He said he lets them outside for a few minutes each day and they ran down the driveway and he wasn’t able to find them. I told him that since one of them was a purebred, someone might get her. And if they didn’t come back, I would check with the shelter the next day. After he found them, he then told me that I hurt his feelings. He told me that he loves his animals and that they’re all he has when he’s home alone. I became irritated again. I told him I was sorry about his dogs, but I never implied that he doesn’t care for them. He said that I asked if he was outside with them and maybe he took it the wrong way. Then told me that he’d told me that his dog is sick and it was his dad’s and that’s all he has left to think about him. I told him I was sorry, but he gets upset at me when he’s feeling bad and I haven’t done anything. He apologized and said he’d leave me alone. I got even more irritated and told him I can’t even talk to him. I told him I had a migraine and felt like crap and I was glad he found his dogs.

I’ve gotten to the point that I don’t even want to see him. At least not on a one on one basis. I definitely don’t want to have sex with him. It’s too personal of an act between two people for him to ruin it for me again with his words. I have noticed that during my time away from him, I’m not so uptight. And I’m not afraid of Spankers or someone else texting me. He’s a jealous person and it’s a lot to deal with when he gets that way. Don’t get me wrong, I love SO and I always will. But his words of hurt time and time again have overshadowed any good within our time together. I can honestly say he’s seriously pushed me away. And this time, I’m not so full of hurt and emotion. I’m shocked that I’ve dealt with everything that I have for the past couple of years and jsut put up with it. It wasn’t always this way, he gradually went into that mode over time. But it’s too much. And I’m aware of what I deserve, and it isn’t that.

Mom and I had talked about SO a couple of days before. She knows what I’ve put up with from him and that’s very disappointing for her. She brought up Spankers. She told me that she was getting her hair cut a few days before by a friend of mine and they were both talking about Spankers and how much they had liked him. My family really liked him when he came to visit.Anyway, he replied to my text after a couple of hours. I texted Spankers the day after my convo with SO. Spankers and I talked for a while. I told him the short version of what happened with my failed relationship. I gave him the short version, I didn’t go into the intimate details because Spankers is emotionally attached to me and he’s very protective of me and does not like to hear about anyone mistreating me. He told me that he’s glad I got out, that I deserve to be treated right. He asked me if I know that. He told me that not all guys are abusive and he’s sorry I went through that. After we talked for a bit, I admitted something to him. That it makes me sad we don’t live closer to one another. He told me it made his heart feel funny to see me say that. And he’s thought the same thing more than once. He told me he loves me no matter what. I apologized to him for being silent for so long. He told me he’s the king of silent and had distanced himself from me so as not to be a distraction. We’ve talked about that many times in the past. He usually initiates that particular convo. He doesn’t hold his feelings back from me. That’s one of the things I love about him. I can be completely honest with him about every aspect of my life. I don’t have to sugar-coat anything. He’s a good man and I know that if we were ever given the chance to really be together, he’d take care of me the way I deserve. So, yeah, knowing all that makes me sad.

Looking back at SO, it angers me because he should know me better than most. But he doesn’t see things that he should. He’s more selfish than anything. I’m not saying it should all be about me, but at least some of it should. And it never really has. He’s done things for me in the past to make himself feel good. If something didn’t go right, what he focused on is not how it made me feel, but how it made him feel. He didn’t take care of me like he should have. He should have been kind to me and done nice things for me, come to see me. And said nice things, not hurtful things that he says should only affect him and not me. He didn’t make me feel special on my birthday. He didn’t like going around my family, he always felt uncomfortable even though they were always good to him. He should have picked me up instead of me always having to go to him. He didn’t love me like I’ve always longed to be loved, the way I know that I deserve to be. He didn’t take care of my heart. I want to have that love that fulfills all that. One that makes me feel loved, needed and safe. I want to be incredibly happy, for always, not jsut a temporary patch. A love that will make me happy not only on the outside, but the inside as well. I want to be overcome with love, affection and some frigging foreplay for God’s sake! I’m not giving up hope that I find all of that.