This is something I’ve sought for the past 5 years, although I’ve spoken to no one about it. It all started 5 years ago when my oldest daughter found her sperm donor through the internet. She reached out to him and he came to town. For a brief time, we fell back into the possibility of an us, it didn’t work out. But on the upside, I finally got closure that I should have gotten 17 years before.

And then I allowed the ex-hubs to come back into my life. I didn’t go into it with the intention of getting closure, I truly gave it a chance. As time went on, part of me wondered if that’s all it was…allowing me to get closure from something that had gotten cut short, jsut as it had with my oldest daughter’s SD. I let the relationship continue until I jsut couldn’t stay in it any longer. This time it was a lot easier to walk away from than it was the first time. He’s a douchebag, always has been and part of me wishes that I would have seen it from the get-go, but I have a daughter from my only marriage that’s beautiful both inside and out, and I wouldn’t change that for the world.

Then I allowed an ex-bf to come back into my life, it lasted for a short while. At the time, I didn’t know what to expect from that but I went with it. I got closure from that time of my life that had once again evaded me years before. Even though I never got answers from him about why things happened the way that they did, as I had from the previous two, I don’t feel that I’m haunted by it all.

There is one that evades me and always will. My first love, I was barely 18 when I met him and hadn’t even been out of high school for a week. He’s the one that taught me what a relationship is, what love is. What I was willing to put up with and what I wasn’t. He’s the only man who ever proposed to me, even though there wasn’t a ring involved. He’s my first-born’s father and I ended our relationship 24 years ago after being off and on for 3 years. He wasn’t a part of my son’s life, but had he tried to be and kept himself clean, I would have let him. But sadly, he never really tried and I wasn’t going to force him. Had it not been for the drugs, I would have never left him. It killed me to do that, he had goodness in him that not everyone saw. I see a lot of his personality traits in my son. My son, now having a family of his own, has met his dad’s family. He’d met them once when he was 14, but they never pursued maintaining a relationship with him. Now, he doesn’t care if they maintain a presence in his life or not. They all met up again and he was able to introduce them all to his wife and his son. It’s amazing what a difference a baby makes in a family, even though knowing that my son is his dad’s only child.

His dad got really bad into drugs after we had broken up, even more so than what he was when we were together. He racked up a criminal record along the way and is now in a nursing home where people care for him. He has to use a walker too. There was a time when he was experiencing memory loss. I pray that it wasn’t the loss of having me in his life that pushed him over the edge. I never wanted that for him. I find myself living with a lot of guilt, for not sticking it out and seeing if he would turn things around for himself. I’ve told no one that. But I live with it. We both grew up here, so there’s always the memory of places we used to go. I’ll hear a song on the radio that will remind me of time we spent together. Def Leppard, Bon Jovi, basically any song from the late 80s, early 90s…they all remind me of him.

For a long time, I pushed it all to the back of my mind. I know that what he put me through was not good for me, he changed my life forever in more ways than I could ever imagine. But I have to learn to forgive myself, even though I know I gave it everything I could until I jsut couldn’t give anymore. I am thankful that I have the best part of him in my son and maybe, jsut maybe, his family who are notorious for keeping to themselves, won’t turn their backs on my son, and now his family, again. I asked for forgiveness long ago from God for walking away from that man who absolutely took my breath away jsut from the sight of him, from the very mention of his name, from him jsut looking at me like no one else ever has. Like he was looking straight through to my soul and saw me for who I was. Maybe, one of these days, I can forgive myself even though I was too inexperienced to recognize what was going on with him and not knowing how to help. I recognized back then that I was a co-dependent, but I didn’t see jsut how serious his situation really was and that it was only going to get worse. I only knew that I couldn’t let him drag me down with him. I hate that I couldn’t help and I think that’s what bothers me the most. It’s times like these that I have to remember the Serenity Prayer. This picture that I posted is a cross I have hanging on the wall in my room next to my  bedroom door. Of course, it’s only a part of the Serenity Prayer, but he’s the reason that cross hangs there.