Closure

Tags

closure, peace

 

This is something I’ve sought for the past 5 years, although I’ve spoken to no one about it. It all started 5 years ago when my oldest daughter found her sperm donor through the internet. She reached out to him and he came to town. For a brief time, we fell back into the possibility of an us, it didn’t work out. But on the upside, I finally got closure that I should have gotten 17 years before.

And then I allowed the ex-hubs to come back into my life. I didn’t go into it with the intention of getting closure, I truly gave it a chance. As time went on, part of me wondered if that’s all it was…allowing me to get closure from something that had gotten cut short, jsut as it had with my oldest daughter’s SD. I let the relationship continue until I jsut couldn’t stay in it any longer. This time it was a lot easier to walk away from than it was the first time. He’s a douchebag, always has been and part of me wishes that I would have seen it from the get-go, but I have a daughter from my only marriage that’s beautiful both inside and out, and I wouldn’t change that for the world.

Then I allowed an ex-bf to come back into my life, it lasted for a short while. At the time, I didn’t know what to expect from that but I went with it. I got closure from that time of my life that had once again evaded me years before. Even though I never got answers from him about why things happened the way that they did, as I had from the previous two, I don’t feel that I’m haunted by it all.

There is one that evades me and always will. My first love, I was barely 18 when I met him and hadn’t even been out of high school for a week. He’s the one that taught me what a relationship is, what love is. What I was willing to put up with and what I wasn’t. He’s the only man who ever proposed to me, even though there wasn’t a ring involved. He’s my first-born’s father and I ended our relationship 24 years ago after being off and on for 3 years. He wasn’t a part of my son’s life, but had he tried to be and kept himself clean, I would have let him. But sadly, he never really tried and I wasn’t going to force him. Had it not been for the drugs, I would have never left him. It killed me to do that, he had goodness in him that not everyone saw. I see a lot of his personality traits in my son. My son, now having a family of his own, has met his dad’s family. He’d met them once when he was 14, but they never pursued maintaining a relationship with him. Now, he doesn’t care if they maintain a presence in his life or not. They all met up again and he was able to introduce them all to his wife and his son. It’s amazing what a difference a baby makes in a family, even though knowing that my son is his dad’s only child.

His dad got really bad into drugs after we had broken up, even more so than what he was when we were together. He racked up a criminal record along the way and is now in a nursing home where people care for him. He has to use a walker too. There was a time when he was experiencing memory loss. I pray that it wasn’t the loss of having me in his life that pushed him over the edge. I never wanted that for him. I find myself living with a lot of guilt, for not sticking it out and seeing if he would turn things around for himself. I’ve told no one that. But I live with it. We both grew up here, so there’s always the memory of places we used to go. I’ll hear a song on the radio that will remind me of time we spent together. Def Leppard, Bon Jovi, basically any song from the late 80s, early 90s…they all remind me of him.

For a long time, I pushed it all to the back of my mind. I know that what he put me through was not good for me, he changed my life forever in more ways than I could ever imagine. But I have to learn to forgive myself, even though I know I gave it everything I could until I jsut couldn’t give anymore. I am thankful that I have the best part of him in my son and maybe, jsut maybe, his family who are notorious for keeping to themselves, won’t turn their backs on my son, and now his family, again. I asked for forgiveness long ago from God for walking away from that man who absolutely took my breath away jsut from the sight of him, from the very mention of his name, from him jsut looking at me like no one else ever has. Like he was looking straight through to my soul and saw me for who I was. Maybe, one of these days, I can forgive myself even though I was too inexperienced to recognize what was going on with him and not knowing how to help. I recognized back then that I was a co-dependent, but I didn’t see jsut how serious his situation really was and that it was only going to get worse. I only knew that I couldn’t let him drag me down with him. I hate that I couldn’t help and I think that’s what bothers me the most. It’s times like these that I have to remember the Serenity Prayer. This picture that I posted is a cross I have hanging on the wall in my room next to my  bedroom door. Of course, it’s only a part of the Serenity Prayer, but he’s the reason that cross hangs there.

 

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Two Years Ago…Yesterday….

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SO

I let my guard down and accepted an invitation to go out with my ex-hubs. We’ve had a couple of rough spots along the way, and when I say rough spots, I mean a break from each other. But here we are today, still together. I look down at my left hand that displays his great-grandmother’s beautiful diamond ring and I feel honored that he chose to give it to me and not my replacement of 10 years. I’ve loved this man since I was 24 years old, in February it will be 20 years ago. I’m grateful to have him in my life. There are things about him I wish were different, but at the same time, when you love someone – it should be unconditionally and you love all the things about them. And I love him. He brought up us getting married again a few nights ago. Lots has happened in the past couple of months, good things and I knew it would stir something in him to start thinking about it again. On a sour note, I’ve realized that his bff’s gf is jsut like the habitual liar that I used to be friends with and permanently cut out of my life…in the sense that she likes stirring up trouble. Sighs. Anyway, I’ll give an update in the next few days on things that have been going on, but right now, I have to jump in the shower 🙂

The Man in My Life

We met almost 18 years ago. I worked for a retail store, he worked for Budweiser. He drove the Busch truck and looked so good in his uniform 🙂 One of my friends met him first. She was the receiving supervisor where I worked so she dealt with all of the vendors. I worked in the cash office and rarely came in contact with anyone other than managers or cashiers. My friend became friends with him and talked about him often. Her cousin, whom we also worked with, wanted to go out with me at the time, but didn’t have the guts to ask me. I remember the first time I saw SO. He was stocking beer in the rear of the store. I was walking up front and said hi to him and asked him how he was. He said hi and acted surprised that I spoke to him. A few days later, my friend and I met SO and his helper for lunch. He asked for my number that day and that’s all she wrote.

I got scared after of few weeks of dating and told him I wanted to take a step back. He told me he wasn’t going to let me go and wasn’t going anywhere but would give me as much time as I needed. He was the only man, even to this day, that I felt 100% completely comfortable with. I could jsut be myself with him. That scared me more than anything. Three short months later, he proposed and the rest is history. When we split up nearly 5 years later, I never knew love could hurt that much. I dropped almost 15 pounds during the break-up and the divorce. I hadn’t weighed 95 pounds since I was 14. My body felt like it was shutting down on me and at times I felt I was dying. I was bitter for a long time. I remained that way until a wonderful man from Oklahoma came along that I met in a country music chat room, of all places. He taught me that I still had the ability to let someone in and learn to love again. To him, I’ll always be grateful.

Three years ago, the inevitable happened. SHB cheated on SO and he divorced her. Almost immediately, he knew the pain that I had endured all that time. He asked me for forgiveness, but I had already forgiven him years before. After his divorce, he asked me out for 18 months and each time I’d say no. Finally, last September and much to his surprise, I said yes.

These past 14 months haven’t been easy. We’ve had to learn each other all over again. We’ve had some not so great times along the way and some really good ones, but we love each other. He tells me every day that he loves me. He gets sad at night when he’s lying awake at night, alone in his bed – longing to cuddle with me. Many times, he will wake up in the middle of the night and reach for me only to remember that I’m not there with him.

He’s not perfect by any means. He irritates me at times, and at others he down right pisses me off. But he’s always seen me for me. He doesn’t punish me for what others did to him, like someone else I know. And he doesn’t expect more than I can give. He’s thankful he has me, and I feel the same. I don’t know what our future will bring. Or if Whabbs predictions will come to fruition. (One can only hope!) For now, I’ll jsut sit back and enjoy my time with him. I jsut know that deep inside, this feels right.

What do I do with this?

Tags

SO

Last night, SO and I spent some time together.  Since we’ve been back from our little break from one another, he rarely tells me he loves me. He used to send me good morning, i love you texts and also texts before going to bed. There was never a day that he didn’t tell me he loves me. Last night he brought this up. He explained why, I hadn’t thought to ask about it even though I have noticed. He said that he’s afraid that if he tells me how he feels every day, that something will happen (to me or jsut in general) and I will be taken away from him. It’s because he lost his dad 3 years ago, the next year – his divorce (even though he’s thankful for that), then his wreck and then the tree falling on his house. He told me that no one knows him better than me, even though we were apart for 10 years, and if he were to lose me, it would kill him.

His solution? Keep me at a distance, date me forever. That way he doesn’t become too attached even though he admitted that he loves me more than anything. He’s trying to protect himself from the pain if he were to lose me. I told him that’s bullshit, he didn’t like that comment. I also told him that by him keeping me at bay, not taking the next step, he’s punishing me. For what? For his past hurts that I did not cause. He said we could jsut stay boyfriend & girlfriend and once Tater graduates, I could move in with him. No offense to anyone that does that. If it works for you, great. But I’m not built that way, that’s not how I was raised. I am, afterall, a conservative and don’t believe in that for myself. I won’t do it. At first, I thought I could, but I can’t. I deserve more. And I’m not giving up and accept that we’ll jsut keep things ‘as is’.

Breadcrumbs…

I left a trail years ago and never swept them up.

I could be wrong…but I’m thinking it’s not finished….

What Do I Do Now?

Tags

me

It’s amazing how completely botching my birthday can have such a profound effect on me. Please don’t think me to be materialist, because I’m not. I never ask for anything from anyone and never expect the person I’m with to dote on me. But when there’s a past history of belittlement, insensitivity, and selfishness (among other things), I tend to remember. I don’t want to go through life with someone who’s going to jsut put me on the back burner and then be made to feel (intended or not) like the bad guy. I know you all have high hopes for me and I don’t expect you to completely understand. Mostly because when you all met me, I’d only been divorced a couple of years and had already managed to get myself over the hump. My family has seen me go through it all. The 5 short years of being made to feel inadequate and not so important and then all the meanness that followed.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do at this point, but I promise you I will be doing a lot of reflecting. Yes, the past 7 months might have been good up until now. And I have seen small similarities to the past. But if this is only a glimpse of what’s to come, I don’t want to travel that road anymore. My only regret is that my daughter will be extremely disappointed if I choose to walk away. We haven’t been able to spend any time together in the past couple of weeks. And it’s seemed here in the past couple of months that the longer we’re together, the less we see of one another. And we live 20 miles apart. Same ole song and dance in my life, it’s me going to see him. Lucky for me, he leaves tomorrow to get his nephew who is to spend the summer with him. It’s his brother and sister-in-law’s last stitch to save their first born, he’s to go stay with SO and let him straighten the kid out. Another result of choosing not to discipline their child. I’m hoping during this time, I’ll find some clarity.

Signing out for now…

Me & My Man…and Other Stuff

Tomorrow will be seven months that SO and I have been together. Everything is still amazing as ever. I feel so lucky to have him back in my life. I think both of us have a renewed appreciation of the other. Three years ago if someone had told me we’d be back together, I would have told them they’re crazy. I’m going to admit something here, something I will not admit anywhere else. I can honestly see myself getting remarried, but I don’t want to jinx myself. I also can’t see myself being with anyone other than SO. It’s funny how things work out that way. He texts me every morning to tell me good morning and that he loves me. We talk during the day and he texts me at night to tell me goodnight and he loves me. We normally only get to see each other once a week, but we make the most of it. Sighs. Life is good.

On a more sour note, when I was over at SO’s a few nights ago, he had me look at a spot on the back of his neck. It’s jsut like the one the doctor found. I’m starting to worry more than I already was.

Last week I worked out-of-town at one of the other stores for a couple of days. I always enjoy working there, even though it’s the Houston market, those people are great! Thursday morning I checked out of my hotel and got ready for my drive back home. There is a little book store in the same shopping center where the store is. It’s called Half Price Books. I fell in love with that place! I spent two hours in there and then realized I should really head back home.

Tater tried out for show choir a couple of weeks ago and made it! I’m really excited for her! Kiwi is trying to graduate. She’s passing all of her classes, but needs to have an 80 average this semester in one of her classes and close to that in 2 others. I’m afraid her focus this year hasn’t been her grades and graduating, it’s been her stupid boyfriend that loves nothing more than to spend all his time playing Xbox. Loser.

My headaches haven’t seemed to slow down. Week before last I had one that lasted 5 days, the last two it had turned into a migraine. I even had to take a half day sick! In the seven years I have been there, I’ve called in once and that was a couple of years ago because of a migraine. I’m realizing that it’s not normal to have a non-stop headache for that many days in a row. SO wants us to find another doctor that will treat them. My ear, nose & throat doctor is trying to solve the problem, and that’s great! But, when I have a migraine and it hurts to be in any kind of light and I want nothing more than to curl up in my bed and throw the covers over my head…I need relief.

I got my son a dog, an American Eskimo Spitz. He absolutely loves him. My son gets lonely by himself sometimes and he’s always wanted one. I thought that having a dog would help with his boredom. But more than that, having a pet is very soothing to the soul 🙂

Next week I go out-of-town again and the next day I’m getting my hair down. It needs it so bad!

Anyway, that’s enough for now.

Can’t I Be Happy Too?

Tags

grrrrr, Life, Love, men, Relationships, sad

There are times when I feel neglected, when I feel that I shouldn’t have to be making as much of an effort as I do. That an effort should be made for me too. That someone should want to make the effort to see me like I do for them. This is one of those times…Why is it that once men become comfortable with me, it feels like they quit trying as much? Don’t I deserve to be made a big deal out of? Is this what I always have to look forward to? Someone becoming content with where they’re at with me and not feeling that they have to try as much? Or is this jsut one of my insecurities coming through? I’m not at all high maintenance, I’m not demanding. I go with the flow and I rarely complain. Little things go a long way with me.

But I don’t feel that I should always be the one making arrangements to see one another. I almost feel like I’m intruding in someone else’s life. It’s been a little over a week since I’ve been over. In less than two days, I’m going out-of-town for almost the entire week. I had tonight and tomorrow night free. Was anything suggested that we see each other? No. Am I making too big of a deal out of this? I, jsut for once, want to feel that I’m needed…that I’m necessary in someone’s life. To be told at least every once in a while that I matter to them, that they miss me, that I make some sort of difference in their life, that I help to make their life better. Not to feel that I’m jsut a fixture in their life. Don’t get me wrong, I hear these things plenty. But what are his actions saying?

Tuesday I go to Houston and I’ll be gone til Friday. He’ll be on call all weekend, which leaves anything else (me) out. I know my job takes up some of my time in my life. It’s not often that I have to drop what I’m doing to run to the store. But it’s not unusual that I get a call when I’m off or on vacation,something concerning work. But I don’t mind. It’s my career, it’s my lively hood and I’m not about to step back from it. I want to move up from where I’m at. And I don’t want to have to depend on anyone other than myself. And I’m rambling. My job isn’t the problem. I want to feel important to someone. I want to feel that I’m worth them making the fucking effort for me. Why aren’t I worth someone coming to see or making the arrangements? Ugh! Basically, I feel that he’s lost his momentum. Maybe he’s plateaued. If this is a rut it’s all heading into, at least this time I recognize it.  In the meantime, I’m not going to call and ask if I can come over. I’m not going to call to make sure his day is going fine. For now, I think I’m jsut going to make myself scarce and see what happens…I’m jsut tired of being let down.

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Life, Love, me, regret, Relationships, the past

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confused, frustrated, him, me, the past, us

Last night, we took a drive to Shreveport to go to the boats. I’d never been and SO wanted to take me. To get there, we went through the small town we used to live in when we were married. It’s only a few miles away from where he lives now, but I hadn’t been through there since I left him 13 years ago. He commented that we were going through our old stomping grounds, I got quiet. On the way to Shreveport, he began telling me about times in the past that he’s been to the boats. Several years ago, he and a couple of friends (one former) had went to the boats. He told me that he lost around $400 that night and on the way there had gotten a $600 ticket. He stated that his former friend was married to his first wife. I then stated that he was married to me at the time, he got quiet. I was also pregnant with Tater. I’d told him that he had called me last that night crying because he went without letting me know. He also told me he skipped work that day.

I started thinking back to all the times we were struggling financially and could only imagine him hoarding money for himself. It made me sad. I didn’t have a good time last night, not because of his admissions. But because I jsut can’t see blowing money away mindlessly. I was also very tired last night. I was off from work yesterday, but ended up working 5 hours anyway. He knew I didn’t have a good time last night and he felt bad about it. At first I thought that maybe that’s what he liked about SHB. She liked gambling, 4-wheeling, flying by the seat of her pants. She had no responsibilities and liked to party and act stupid and do whatever she wanted. I’m the opposite. I’m responsible, have a good career and put my kids before everything else. I don’t know what I’m feeling right now. I jsut know that the past has had a huge impact on me.