bills…they’re never-ending. I have not-so-good credit. One house note takes up 85% of one paycheck, so I try to conserve half of my paycheck each time I get paid for my house note. A year ago, I got horribly behind, by 3 months. I’m not proud of it, but unexpected things come up that you jsut can’t foresee. I was scared out of my wits that they would take my house. But I called my mortgage company (aka the federal government) and explained my situation. Lucky for me, they put me on a workout agreement and I have held up my end of the bargain. I still have $1100 to pay back until I’m caught up and then my payment goes down a hundred bucks. I have a loan that I’m now two weeks past due on and my washer & dryer bill that I financed – the same amount of time behind. Yes, things are tough. Tater’s show choir teacher likes to spring things on us and gives us about a week notice that she’ll need how-ever-much money for whatever thing they have going on. The latest was their weekend retreat where they go 100 miles out-of-town for the weekend – $185. Out of my last check (which was this past Friday), I paid my house note, $48 for something unrelated at school and the $185 check that I jsut knew was going to go bouncy-bounce after looking at my bank account. I have $80 left in there and had overlooked that the check had already cleared. I didn’t know it because my bank failed to send me that nice little text letting me know that it had cleared. I didn’t find out until I checked my email this morning. SO has always been wonderful at keeping up with his finances so I’ve decided that I’m going to FINALLY take after his good example. That was there is never any doubt where I stand on my bank account. Sighs.
Yes, I’ve decided to post again. I haven’t felt like doing that much lately. But today, I have a few things to say. A couple of weeks ago, SO picked up Tater and they spent the afternoon together. I think it was good for them both. Afterwards, SO and I talked. He admitted that he’s been drinking a lot over the past few years. This started after his dad passed away. SO also has problems with depression, add the drink to it and you don’t get a good combination. It’s all turned him into a personal ball of destruction. I love SO, I have for many years…I jsut buried it deep inside myself for a long time. He and I actually talked about that a couple of nights ago. About everything.
Anyway, back to the story. He’s hidden from me the amount he’s been drinking. I had no idea that it got to the extent that it did. Until I started getting the mean, drunken text messages from him. A couple of weeks ago, he woke up one morning and everything hit him at once. That he was in a self-destruct mode and he was about to lose everything that mattered to him, especially me. He came clean about it all. I suspected, but I never knew for sure. I admitted to him that I have started putting my walls back and begun pulling away from him. I told him that it had all jsut became too much. He would no longer confide in me, he kept everything bottled inside because he didn’t want to burden me. I told him that yes, I have problems of my own. But my problems are monetary, his are emotional. And we’re supposed to share that with one another. He quit the amount of drinking that he had been, his fridge is now full of water instead of beer. I no longer see bucketfuls of beer bottles and cans sitting around. He was turning into an alcoholic and his health was in jeopardy. He admitted that he had woken up each day, all that time, hungover. I never knew. I knew something was going on, I jsut wasn’t sure what. I was confident he never cheated, and he didn’t. He was too busy drowning inside himself. Although I was pulling away from him, I didn’t want to walk away from him. And I’m glad I didn’t.
He and I both know that things won’t get back to normal right away. It will take time. I’ve lost trust in him and he knows it. But we are openly communicating with each other now, he said he likes waking up in the morning feeling good. He talks about the fact that his parents never raised him to be the way that he was and he knows they would have been disappointed in him. He’s behaving like SO again, not like this person that I didn’t even like or want to be around. I know that all of this will take time.
In other news, I’ve kept up my active pursuit to find another job. I applied exactly a week ago today with the largest home improvement store in the US. A couple of nights ago, I received an email from their Corporate recruiter wanting to set up a phone interview. I jsut got done with that a half hour ago. I would be making well over what I am now. He said if they want to move forward with me, I will hear from him by the end of the week or early next week. I’m praying this all turns out the way I want. I’m so excited! Y’all send good thoughts and vibes my way, please!
I’ve helped SO with his loss over his house. He’s done well with it all. The insurance company has agreed on what to give him, the house is no longer there and he feels good about it. The property looks different, of course, but better. And he likes it, I think he’s feeling pretty good about burying that past. I’m happy that I’m here for this with him. Tater and I hung out with him last weekend. He took Tater riding on his 4-wheeler and actually let her drive it by herself, but only on the property. We all had a really good time.
Oh yeah, if I didn’t mention it before, SHB moved away. Good riddance!
I’m finally healing from my injured tailbone (actually the big bone above it…I’ve been having to sit on a donut pillow for the past 3 weeks) and my broken pinky toe is not so black and blue anymore. Still very sore though. Maybe in a couple of weeks I’ll be able to walk normal again 🙂 K well I gotta get ready for work.
Hope you’re doing well my friends.
Saturday was a long day for all of us. SO had a friend come down with a flatbed trailer from the Houston area to help clean up. SO’s bff and his bff’s gf (SOBFF & GF) came over also. We all spent all day gathering things he wanted to keep. While going through the dining room cabinets, I found a dolphin clock made of thick glass. SHB collected dolphins, I’ll never look at them the same way again. I sat there and looked at it for a second and said hmph. I held it by the edge and smashed it against the floor and watched it shatter into a million pieces. That felt good. I threw the piece I still had in my hand back in the cabinet. GF found a picture of SHB in her wedding dress standing out in the grass. She ripped it up into tiny pieces, we both laughed. A few minutes later I found a photo album, GF told me that SO only wanted pictures of the kids. I found two. The rest was of SHB and SO when he was younger. I could tell it was shortly after me because of how young he looked. Grrrr. I tossed it back in the cabinet.
SO had asked GF to run to his mom’s and give her medicine. I haven’t talked to her since before we divorced. When we got there, she was sitting outside on her porch. I walked up and she gave me a squeezy hug. That really surprised me. We talked for a few minutes and then GF and I left. His mom hugged me again before we left. When we got back to SO’s he asked how it went. GF told him it went really well, SO seemed surprised. His mom has been cool with us since we got back together. GF told me that she’s told him to bring me along before, but I think he’s afraid we would be weird about it.
SO kept some of his furniture, but left most of it. GF told me he was keeping the dresser in his closet, the one we had from our marriage. I was shocked he wanted to keep it, but he did. It went to storage with everything else he decided to keep. That night GF and I went to wally-world and got us each a swimsuit, picked up some food and went to SO’s boss’ house. His boss was out-of-town getting his travel trailer for SO to stay in. He told SO we could all hang out at his pool if we wanted. We all hung out in the pool and the hot tub. We had fun, it was a good ending to a very long and hot day. Afterwards, we drove 30 miles to SOBFF and GF’s house. SO and I shared a room, of course. He hadn’t had but about 7 hours of sleep in the past 4 days, so he slept like a baby. He stayed snuggled up to me all night. I love that.
Since SO and I broke up, I’ve been able to sit back and reflect on it all. I’ve come to the following conclusions: SO and I will not always have the same interests and if we did, life would be very boring. SO is not, by far, the best gift giver. That’s a given. Most men need a little help in that department, I jsut let my pride get in my way. SO got past his nightlife days years ago, and for that I’m grateful. He’s not perfect. I think all of y’all know that jsut from things I’ve said. But he is a good man and has a big heart. He has good intentions and he tries to do what’s right. He’ll help anybody under the sun if they need it. He made some mistakes with us years ago and he knows that, he sees it. I think I went into this thing originally with the wrong thinking. I thought I knew what to expect, but I didn’t. I forgot that even though we were married, 10 years have passed since we’ve been together. People change during that time. I changed quite a bit during that time, so I know he had to. And you have to learn about each other all over again. We’re both doing that. Learning.
I know what I went through in the past, nobody knows that past better than me. And I’ve learned/realized a few things recently. My suspicions about SHB were right all along. That when SO and I were separated and he had mentioned a girl in a white truck…the one that he’d met but now wouldn’t leave him alone…that was SHB. I was right about that. His best friend’s gf confirmed that this weekend. Once SHB met him, she latched on and wouldn’t let him out of her sight. Crazy. I also learned that SHB was somebody that always had to be doing something, literally. She was a spur of the moment type person, but also one that couldn’t jsut sit still. GF told me that SOBFF would get pissy when around SHB and would tell her ‘OMG SHB would you stfu!’ Apparently SOBFF hated her since day one, that’s what his gf told me. During our time together, SO quickly learned that I’m not a spur of the moment type person. I’m calm and I like to plan things. I also learned from talking to GF that SO has never forgiven himself for cheating on me. She said she’s heard him say on 5 different occasions (when he was drunk) “I messed up, I lost my family”. She said she’s never said anything to him about it, but she truly believes that’s why he keeps saying it, because he hasn’t forgiven himself. I told her I forgave him a long time ago, he’s got to learn to do the same.
SO’s group of friends are jsut a bunch of small town guys. When they get together, they like to eat and sit around in the garage and drink beer and smoke a little weed. I’m ok with that. SO doesn’t smoke it anymore because of his job, but I’d be ok with it if he did. They never do it when the kids are there.
One thing that’s never changed between us is that even during the SHB years, I loved him. I jsut buried it. He still loved me too, he admitted that to me a few days ago, that he’s always loved me. About a week ago, he had called for something. While on the phone with him, I told him I love him, he told me the same. I can’t pretend that I don’t, I’ve tried to but I’m not very good at pretending. I’ve said it to him a couple more times since then, I want him to know that I do. You can’t jsut turn those feelings off. Yesterday, I took Tater over to the house. I walked her through the house and she took pictures inside and out. She also got a few more things out of there that she wanted to keep. SO’s boss brought over a travel trailer for him to stay in until he gets something else. SO is talking about getting another mobile home, but we want him to build a house. He already has a slab a few feet in front of his house now. Me and GF think it’s for a reason. That all of this is. Anyway, SOBFF and GF had come over yesterday afternoon to check on him. After they left, SO, Tater and I were sitting in the travel trailer. SO looked at me and I mouthed the words I love you to him. He did the same. When we were leaving, he hugged me and told me he loved me and kissed me goodbye. He called me yesterday evening to thank me for everything I did for him this weekend. Then he told me that he loves me, I told him the same. I told him I miss him and he said he misses me too. I told him I’d like to come see him one night this week, and he seemed happy about that.
I know some of y’all may not agree with all of this. But this is my life. I know things with him may not always be perfect, but I do love him and I’m willing to give it a go and see where it goes.
It’s a sure sign that I stayed in my last relationship entirely too long when I notice that I don’t mourn the loss of it. I’m not unhappy, I don’t find myself thinking about him, I don’t miss him. I wish I had focused more on myself sooner and got out. I find myself a little lonely, but not for him. I have no desire to rehash that whole…whatever it was – again. I think I jsut needed closure and I got it. I know we’re better at jsut being friends. I also know that it won’t bother me one bit if I see him with another woman. (As opposed to some of my other relationships when jsut the sheer knowledge they were seeing someone else ripped my heart out, without even seeing it for myself.) Why? Because of our shared past and what it involved, and the sex wasn’t that great either. I want something great and I haven’t found that yet. Someone who doesn’t drink too much or do anything more than that. Someone who shares my interests. Someone who can make me laugh and I can smile at jsut the thought of him. I hope I find that before I’m 50. I’d laugh, but it’s a sad realization.
I left a trail years ago and never swept them up.
I could be wrong…but I’m thinking it’s not finished….
and I’ve been thinking….
that things are not gonna work…
Things started to change for me a few months ago. First, there was February, two days before Valentine’s Day. My favorite Texas country band came to the area, we went to the concert. We were sitting up in the bleachers, and while we were waiting for it to start, there was a girl that saw him and stopped and smiled and motioned for him to come to her. He acted as if he didn’t see her, but he was looking straight at her. She motioned him to come to her again. I started getting that old familiar feeling, the one I always got when I was married to him. When he was cheating. He tried to blow it off, but I asked who she was and he wouldn’t give me a straight answer. He finally told me that she works at Wal-Mart and wanted to go out with him. Then he went in to this big speech that he screwed up before and knew that he hurt me but he would never cheat on me again. He’d been drinking and wasn’t being quiet so I was a bit embarrassed. Right before his big speech, he’d told me he was going to change the ring on my left finger. Hmmz. Omen, perhaps?
Also in February, SO and I went to a concert where one of my favorite singers was performing, the one who sings our song. I’d always wanted to go see him and he was playing at this ATV park. I’d never been four-wheeling before so I agreed to give it a try. It was a place out in the woods about 40 miles from here sitting on 1000 acres. There was probably 75-100 people out there and it was butt cold. Plus we have that famous orange dirt around here, so the mud is orange as well. The only time I had fun was when I got to drive because SO’s driving scares me to death. He kept telling me I have to get used to it when he was driving fast. It wasn’t fun and it’s not something I would like to do again. It didn’t help that I had a horrible headache all day. The concert was amazing and I really enjoyed it, but that was about it. SO gets very selfish when we’re doing something he wants to do. It’s all about him, that hasn’t changed since we were married.
Then March came along when MS (my son) started getting into trouble. First there was the dead guy they found in his loft when his deadbeat friends threw him a birthday party. They found the guy on his birthday. I’ll never forget MS in tears calling me to tell me he was sorry and that he loves me. SO was there for me and would listen when I needed him to. But I don’t think he liked that I had drama going on in my life, it took focus off of him. And when things continued to get worse for MS, he couldn’t see that those kids were bad for him. None of his problems started until he got around them.
Nothing significant happened in April except for MS refusing to see that his ‘friends’ were bad news. Of course, since March I stayed upset. SO didn’t like that.
And then there was May. First there was Tater’s birthday. SO wasn’t at ease at my parents house, of course he never has been at ease around them. MS brought his friends over there. MS acted fine, but his ‘friends’ were acting a little strange. SO said they were high as a kite, I don’t know if they were or not. Then two nights later, MS got arrested. That was very emotional for me. And then there was my birthday, when SO got me NOTHING and I was made to feel bad, as if it was my fault. And then MS got me and Kiwi to go to a diner downtown where he was supposed to be singing that night. And then the thugs showed up and ruined it for me. Less than a week later, MS had the accident out at the lake. He tripped over something and hit his head on a coffee table and had to get stitches. The only one there that was sober made one of the thugs drive him 45 minutes to the hospital. When MS found out that I was in the room while he was getting stitched up, he said he didn’t want me to be there. Once everyone cleared the room, he started crying and said he was sorry and started crying again. He was still very, very drunk. He told me he didn’t want me seeing him like that. When the nurse came in he told me to leave, that broke my heart.
The next day, he went back to the loft with the thugs. I lived in constant fear that something worse was going to happen to him. I lived in constant fear. I got scared everytime there was a knock at my door. I was scared to death it was someone coming to tell me that my son had died. SO wasn’t very helpful. When I was crying and jsut needed someone to listen, he wanted to have his say. He kept telling me (literally) over and over, “He is a twenty-one (and he enunciated every syllable) year old man. You cannot help him.” He said some other things that I can’t remember. All I do remember is him repeating himself over and over enunciating his words like I was stupid and didn’t understand the first time. I was sad and worried every day. My son was on the verge of dying from being stupid and being around stupid people, but I wasn’t supposed to be affected by it.
Luckily, after a little over a week, he met NGF or should I say fiance!!! 🙂 We met her when he brought her to Kiwi’s graduation. And things really turned around. The nights leading up to his court appearance, NGF stayed with him. The night before his appearance, he stayed up all night, he couldn’t sleep. She said when she’d open her eyes, he was laying there looking at her and he would start crying. Everything was finally clear to him, he needed to get away from the thugs. He finally had a chance of turning things around for himself and he faced losing it all. It all seems like a lifetime ago, everything that happened in the past months before he met her. We all feel very blessed.
And SO, I’ve been drifting away from him further and further since Feb. 12th. We don’t like the same things. We get along ok, but he’s still got that underlying negativity. And it’s still about him. I was talking to Mom a few days ago. I told her how I was feeling. I’ll always love SO, of course, but I can’t see myself being married to him again. I jsut can’t. I’m not happy.
We used to see each other at least once a week. It was that way because of our conflicting work schedules. Since school has been out, he’s had his nephew staying with him. His brother and wife sent him to stay with SO for the summer to straighten him out. After 16 years of never disciplining their kids, the oldest is a heathen. Slang for him being an absolute terror. Since he’s been staying with SO, we see each other once every couple of weeks. The lack of our seeing each other hasn’t grown us apart, it’s been happening since February.
So, here we are today.
Yesterday I went to the doctor, well the nurse practitioner. I know several people who have gone to her and they really like her. For the past month, I’ve been cramping almost daily. I made my appointment last month and finally got to go yesterday. As I suspected, I have ovarian cysts. The funny thing is that the cysts on my left ovary have been hurting the most and they’re smaller than the ones on the right. She put me on prescription strength ibuprofen and told me not to take any other type of pain reliever other than Tylenol. Of course, the pap and the camera probe thingy made me start cramping again. Sighs. At least it’s not something else because both of my grandmothers had cancer, one breast cancer and the other ovarian.
We found out this past week that the owners of our company sold to an investment firm. This was pretty surprising because their grandfather started the company. I’m going to look at it as a good thing. I think they can help us reach our goals of expanding even quick than what we anticipated. Another exciting thing is that we went live last month with e-commerce, meaning people can buy things online. People that are not familiar with our company or don’t have stores in their area can now buy things at their convenience. They tell us we’ve had lots of hits from the Washington state area. Coolio!
Son and NGF are really excited about moving into their new place and we’re excited for them. Son texted me today and apologized for everything he’s put me through. I told him he’s already been forgiven. He’s a good kid, I’m jsut thankful he’s finally getting his life straightened out.
In other news, one of my ears seem to be clogged up and I feel a lot of pressure on it. I can’t hear real well out of it and have tried using cleaning solutions, but have gotten nothing and had very little results. Mom thinks it’s the weather. I don’t care what’s causing it, I’m jsut tired of the ringing and feeling like I’m half-deaf. Bleah.
It’s amazing how completely botching my birthday can have such a profound effect on me. Please don’t think me to be materialist, because I’m not. I never ask for anything from anyone and never expect the person I’m with to dote on me. But when there’s a past history of belittlement, insensitivity, and selfishness (among other things), I tend to remember. I don’t want to go through life with someone who’s going to jsut put me on the back burner and then be made to feel (intended or not) like the bad guy. I know you all have high hopes for me and I don’t expect you to completely understand. Mostly because when you all met me, I’d only been divorced a couple of years and had already managed to get myself over the hump. My family has seen me go through it all. The 5 short years of being made to feel inadequate and not so important and then all the meanness that followed.
I’m not sure what I’m going to do at this point, but I promise you I will be doing a lot of reflecting. Yes, the past 7 months might have been good up until now. And I have seen small similarities to the past. But if this is only a glimpse of what’s to come, I don’t want to travel that road anymore. My only regret is that my daughter will be extremely disappointed if I choose to walk away. We haven’t been able to spend any time together in the past couple of weeks. And it’s seemed here in the past couple of months that the longer we’re together, the less we see of one another. And we live 20 miles apart. Same ole song and dance in my life, it’s me going to see him. Lucky for me, he leaves tomorrow to get his nephew who is to spend the summer with him. It’s his brother and sister-in-law’s last stitch to save their first born, he’s to go stay with SO and let him straighten the kid out. Another result of choosing not to discipline their child. I’m hoping during this time, I’ll find some clarity.
Signing out for now…