Some Things That Make Me Smile

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My cat Snowball

My cat Snowball

My favorite tree, and it's branches are filled with Honeysuckle...such an amazing smell.

My favorite tree, my Crepe Myrtle – and it’s branches are filled with Honeysuckle…such an amazing smell!

Texas State Capital

Texas State Capital

Looking up!

Looking up!

 

These are only a few of my favorite things. I added pics of the Capital because I think it’s beautiful. But, anytime I’m having a bad day, there are things that can bring a smile to my face. My fur-babies, a favorite smell, squirrels :), birds singing, daisies, a pretty sunset, rainbows. It’s always good to stop and appreciate what you have around you, even the little things 🙂

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Closure

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This is something I’ve sought for the past 5 years, although I’ve spoken to no one about it. It all started 5 years ago when my oldest daughter found her sperm donor through the internet. She reached out to him and he came to town. For a brief time, we fell back into the possibility of an us, it didn’t work out. But on the upside, I finally got closure that I should have gotten 17 years before.

And then I allowed the ex-hubs to come back into my life. I didn’t go into it with the intention of getting closure, I truly gave it a chance. As time went on, part of me wondered if that’s all it was…allowing me to get closure from something that had gotten cut short, jsut as it had with my oldest daughter’s SD. I let the relationship continue until I jsut couldn’t stay in it any longer. This time it was a lot easier to walk away from than it was the first time. He’s a douchebag, always has been and part of me wishes that I would have seen it from the get-go, but I have a daughter from my only marriage that’s beautiful both inside and out, and I wouldn’t change that for the world.

Then I allowed an ex-bf to come back into my life, it lasted for a short while. At the time, I didn’t know what to expect from that but I went with it. I got closure from that time of my life that had once again evaded me years before. Even though I never got answers from him about why things happened the way that they did, as I had from the previous two, I don’t feel that I’m haunted by it all.

There is one that evades me and always will. My first love, I was barely 18 when I met him and hadn’t even been out of high school for a week. He’s the one that taught me what a relationship is, what love is. What I was willing to put up with and what I wasn’t. He’s the only man who ever proposed to me, even though there wasn’t a ring involved. He’s my first-born’s father and I ended our relationship 24 years ago after being off and on for 3 years. He wasn’t a part of my son’s life, but had he tried to be and kept himself clean, I would have let him. But sadly, he never really tried and I wasn’t going to force him. Had it not been for the drugs, I would have never left him. It killed me to do that, he had goodness in him that not everyone saw. I see a lot of his personality traits in my son. My son, now having a family of his own, has met his dad’s family. He’d met them once when he was 14, but they never pursued maintaining a relationship with him. Now, he doesn’t care if they maintain a presence in his life or not. They all met up again and he was able to introduce them all to his wife and his son. It’s amazing what a difference a baby makes in a family, even though knowing that my son is his dad’s only child.

His dad got really bad into drugs after we had broken up, even more so than what he was when we were together. He racked up a criminal record along the way and is now in a nursing home where people care for him. He has to use a walker too. There was a time when he was experiencing memory loss. I pray that it wasn’t the loss of having me in his life that pushed him over the edge. I never wanted that for him. I find myself living with a lot of guilt, for not sticking it out and seeing if he would turn things around for himself. I’ve told no one that. But I live with it. We both grew up here, so there’s always the memory of places we used to go. I’ll hear a song on the radio that will remind me of time we spent together. Def Leppard, Bon Jovi, basically any song from the late 80s, early 90s…they all remind me of him.

For a long time, I pushed it all to the back of my mind. I know that what he put me through was not good for me, he changed my life forever in more ways than I could ever imagine. But I have to learn to forgive myself, even though I know I gave it everything I could until I jsut couldn’t give anymore. I am thankful that I have the best part of him in my son and maybe, jsut maybe, his family who are notorious for keeping to themselves, won’t turn their backs on my son, and now his family, again. I asked for forgiveness long ago from God for walking away from that man who absolutely took my breath away jsut from the sight of him, from the very mention of his name, from him jsut looking at me like no one else ever has. Like he was looking straight through to my soul and saw me for who I was. Maybe, one of these days, I can forgive myself even though I was too inexperienced to recognize what was going on with him and not knowing how to help. I recognized back then that I was a co-dependent, but I didn’t see jsut how serious his situation really was and that it was only going to get worse. I only knew that I couldn’t let him drag me down with him. I hate that I couldn’t help and I think that’s what bothers me the most. It’s times like these that I have to remember the Serenity Prayer. This picture that I posted is a cross I have hanging on the wall in my room next to my  bedroom door. Of course, it’s only a part of the Serenity Prayer, but he’s the reason that cross hangs there.

 

Fast Forward Thirteen Months

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I’m single, and thankful that I am. Things with the ex-hubs jsut got to be too much. The always drinking, any time we went out…Bud Light for him, and me…unsweetened tea. Wherever we were or he was, he had a beer in his hand. He drank it like some people drink cokes. He’d wake up with a hangover every day. I remember one time he insisted on taking me to a concert at one of the local bars. People from work were there and he was drunk off his ass. He was hanging all over me and I asked him to stop because I don’t like it and people would stare. He’d get right in my face and say in his drunk voice ‘fuck them baby’. Ugh..jsut thinking about it. Last Christmas came around, I don’t even remember what he got me, if anything. All I do remember is that he acted as if my family had the plague and would barely interact with them. It made things awkward for everyone. He was that way any time he was around my family and they were always nothing but nice to him. He never spent any time with Tater, wouldn’t even call her. He’d jsut tell me to tell her that he loved her. Things jsut kept getting worse and worse. New Years…Valentine’s Day, with each holiday and birthday I was made to feel even more unimportant.

My oldest daughter had moved to the same town where the Hick (my ex-bf)  lives for school. The ex-hubs went with us. My son, my daughter’s bf, Tater and my daughter-in-law and her sister all went to see her off. I was having a hard time with it, she and I have always been close. We were all having a hard time with it, we were all crying. The ex didn’t understand why it was such a big deal and he was being an ass about it the whole time. I needed support and he was jsut being a dick. He said we were all acting like someone died. He was being his usual douchebag-self. That made a lasting impression on me.

The ex-bf, the Hick, in my life continued to stay in contact with me, as he always had. He told me that he missed me and kept asking me to come see him. I finally gave in around the end of March. I had made plans to go visit my daughter, but then the ex-hubs decided he wanted to go four-wheeling, but I’m not into that kind of thing. (With him, it was always what he wanted to do, never cared much for what I wanted.) Imagine, him putting himself before my kid! He wanted me to go because he said he knew I ‘like nature’ and all. I got sick the night before we were supposed to go, thank goodness. I wasn’t faking either, I was seriously sick. Maybe I was physically sick of him. So, he went without me. I was feeling better later that morning so I went to see my daughter. But while I was there, I went to see the Hick..the first time in 8 years. It was good to see him, I missed his face.

I saw the ex-hubs 3 days later and I broke things off with him. I gave him back his ring, cried a few tears, but they were more of tears of freedom than sorrow. He continued drinking, would send me drunken text messages, call me and cuss me out for breaking his heart even though he never took care of mine. Tried his best to make me feel bad. I can’t even begin to tell you how bad it got. I was glad I had finally opened my eyes and got away. I went back to see the Hick the next weekend. That time he kissed me, many times. That wasn’t expected, he made me feel wanted. I missed that feeling from anyone. As soon as he kissed me I wondered why I had stayed with the ex-hubs for as long as I did. I wasn’t being treated the way I deserved or getting what I needed from him. I continued to see the Hick for the next 3 months. But the funny thing is, when I started visiting him, I stopped hearing from him. He used to text me all the time and send me stuff on FB. As soon as I started seeing him, nothing. Finally, one day he made my daughter a promise that she could come over and go fishing and didn’t follow through. He gave her this lame excuse. That evening, he texted me saying she didn’t show up like she was supposed to and he kept trying to text her but got nothing. I called her and asked, she said he texted her once and she didn’t answer. Now, you can screw me over, but when it involves my kids? That’s a big no-no. And that was that with him. Figures. I honestly expected more out of him. Maybe I thought too highly of myself that he would never treat me that way. Or, maybe I’m giving him too much credit…;)

 

 

My Bogie Boy

Rest in peace, sweet Bogie

 

Bogart was our Keeshond (pronounced Kaysaun). We’ve had him since he was a puppy. My sister purchased him from a breeder in Conroe, TX. I remember the day we went to pick him up, how the breeder taught us to brush him because he has an undercoat. My kids grew up with him. Four years ago, my sister moved into an apartment and couldn’t keep him, so he came to live with me and the girls. Everyone in our family loved him, we couldn’t have asked for a better family dog for my kids. I remember one time, we lived in a mobile home and we were all outside with him. Somebody stopped on the road in front of our house to look for something in their car. They left the door open and Bogie ran top speed and jumped in their car. One of the ladies in the car started screaming. He was so full of character like that. Brinkley, our sheltie and Bogie’s best friend, died on 12/11/08, 4 months after we bought our house. I was off that day and was taking Brinkley to the vet to have him checked out because one of the pads on his feet turned pink. I was going to get Brinkley and then pick up my daughter and we would take him together. She had declared he was her dog from the moment we brought him home. I had the leash in my hand and went out in the backyard and called him, but he didn’t come. I walked past the house and to my right, Brinkley was laying down and Bogie was laying right beside him. I called out to Brinkley again, but he didn’t come.  He had died and Bogie was there with him. That night, I kept Bogie inside. He slept on the floor in the living room and howled a very mournful howl in his sleep. I knew he missed his friend, they’d been together for years. We adopted a terrier a few months later. It wasn’t the same and neither was Bogie. There wasn’t that bond there and you could tell. He went from being a happy boy, playing with his friend, to an older boy. This past year, he started really going down hill. He started losing his hearing and would potty in the house. And then he started losing his eyesight. I have 2 steps going down into my living room. Each time, he’d trip on the steps. When he’d sleep, he’d whine in his sleep. He had arthritis and you could tell he wasn’t comfortable. I tried brushing him about 3 weeks ago. I had to hold him down to brush him because he kept trying to bite me from the discomfort. This morning I had my daughter ask my sister to take a look at him. She brought the medicine with her. She said it was time, he no longer had quality of life. I wanted him to go peacefully with his family by his side and not die alone. I’m glad Brinkley had him there by his side. This was a very tough decision for me to make. I called my mom and she cried too. We all loved him. He went peacefully and we cried the entire time. I’m going to miss my sweet Bogie boy. Now, he’s joined Brinkley on Rainbow Bridge and I’ll be happy to see them both when I get to the other side.

 

 

Oh the stress of it all…

bills…they’re never-ending. I have not-so-good credit. One house note takes up 85% of one paycheck, so I try to conserve half of my paycheck each time I get paid for my house note. A year ago, I got horribly behind, by 3 months. I’m not proud of it, but unexpected things come up that you jsut can’t foresee. I was scared out of my wits that they would take my house. But I called my mortgage company (aka the federal government) and explained my situation. Lucky for me, they put me on a workout agreement and I have held up my end of the bargain. I still have $1100 to pay back until I’m caught up and then my payment goes down a hundred bucks. I have a loan that I’m now two weeks past due on and my washer & dryer bill that I financed – the same amount of time behind. Yes, things are tough. Tater’s show choir teacher likes to spring things on us and gives us about a week notice that she’ll need how-ever-much money for whatever thing they have going on. The latest was their weekend retreat where they go 100 miles out-of-town for the weekend – $185. Out of my last check (which was this past Friday), I paid my house note, $48 for something unrelated at school and the $185 check that I jsut knew was going to go bouncy-bounce after looking at my bank account. I have $80 left in there and had overlooked that the check had already cleared. I didn’t know it because my bank failed to send me that nice little text letting me know that it had cleared. I didn’t find out until I checked my email this morning. SO has always been wonderful at keeping up with his finances so I’ve decided that I’m going to FINALLY take after his good example. That was there is never any doubt where I stand on my bank account. Sighs.

Two Years Ago…Yesterday….

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I let my guard down and accepted an invitation to go out with my ex-hubs. We’ve had a couple of rough spots along the way, and when I say rough spots, I mean a break from each other. But here we are today, still together. I look down at my left hand that displays his great-grandmother’s beautiful diamond ring and I feel honored that he chose to give it to me and not my replacement of 10 years. I’ve loved this man since I was 24 years old, in February it will be 20 years ago. I’m grateful to have him in my life. There are things about him I wish were different, but at the same time, when you love someone – it should be unconditionally and you love all the things about them. And I love him. He brought up us getting married again a few nights ago. Lots has happened in the past couple of months, good things and I knew it would stir something in him to start thinking about it again. On a sour note, I’ve realized that his bff’s gf is jsut like the habitual liar that I used to be friends with and permanently cut out of my life…in the sense that she likes stirring up trouble. Sighs. Anyway, I’ll give an update in the next few days on things that have been going on, but right now, I have to jump in the shower 🙂

Today in the world of Meh

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Yes, I’ve decided to post again. I haven’t felt like doing that much lately. But today, I have a few things to say. A couple of weeks ago, SO picked up Tater and they spent the afternoon together. I think it was good for them both. Afterwards, SO and I talked. He admitted that he’s been drinking a lot over the past few years. This started after his dad passed away. SO also has problems with depression, add the drink to it and you don’t get a good combination. It’s all turned him into a personal ball of destruction. I love SO, I have for many years…I jsut buried it deep inside myself for a long time. He and I actually talked about that a couple of nights ago. About everything.

Anyway, back to the story. He’s hidden from me the amount he’s been drinking. I had no idea that it got to the extent that it did. Until I started getting the mean, drunken text messages from him. A couple of weeks ago, he woke up one morning and everything hit him at once. That he was in a self-destruct mode and he was about to lose everything that mattered to him, especially me. He came clean about it all. I suspected, but I never knew for sure. I admitted to him that I have started putting my walls back and begun pulling away from him. I told him that it had all jsut became too much. He would no longer confide in me, he kept everything bottled inside because he didn’t want to burden me. I told him that yes, I have problems of my own. But my problems are monetary, his are emotional. And we’re supposed to share that with one another. He quit the amount of drinking that he had been, his fridge is now full of water instead of beer. I no longer see bucketfuls of beer bottles and cans sitting around. He was turning into an alcoholic and his health was in jeopardy. He admitted that he had woken up each day, all that time, hungover. I never knew. I knew something was going on, I jsut wasn’t sure what. I was confident he never cheated, and he didn’t. He was too busy drowning inside himself. Although I was pulling away from him, I didn’t want to walk away from him. And I’m glad I didn’t.

He and I both know that things won’t get back to normal right away. It will take time. I’ve lost trust in him and he knows it. But we are openly communicating with each other now, he said he likes waking up in the morning feeling good. He talks about the fact that his parents never raised him to be the way that he was and he knows they would have been disappointed in him. He’s behaving like SO again, not like this person that I didn’t even like or want to be around. I know that all of this will take time.

In other news, I’ve kept up my active pursuit to find another job. I applied exactly a week ago today with the largest home improvement store in the US. A couple of nights ago, I received an email from their Corporate recruiter wanting to set up a phone interview. I jsut got done with that a half hour ago. I would be making well over what I am now. He said if they want to move forward with me, I will hear from him by the end of the week or early next week. I’m praying this all turns out the way I want. I’m so excited! Y’all send good thoughts and vibes my way, please!

Privacy

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I’ve done a lot of thinking over the past few weeks and I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to reel myself back in. I find that I get too open about my personal life, even with my friends. I jsut feel like sometimes I offend others without meaning to. I also reveal too much about my relationship when I probably shouldn’t. I know my friends worry about me and wish the best for me, but I also need to learn to be more private like I used to. So I’m going to work on that before I piss anyone off permanently. And for me, it’s either I keep the personal stuff to myself or I delete my blog. I still might do that, dunno yet.

Ironic that I was going to make this post this morning, but ran out of time. Then when I logged on tonight, I see that Whabbs has decided to be silent for a while. Anywho, that’s all I got.