(I used spell checker this time. Yay!)
I’ve felt it lately..the anti-social feeling. I can feel my wall going up and can feel myself going into recluse mode. Where I sit back and reflect on things, take time away from talking to my friends daily, or whatever. I’ll still blog, but that’s it. I’m just enjoying some me-time, that’s all. There’s no certain event that has brought this on or anything. It’s just me. I’ve been single most of my adult life and so this is how I deal with things. I don’t really have anyone other than friends that I can turn to when I want to vent or have something that’s really bothering me. When things get really personal for me, I honestly feel there’s no one I can turn to. Nobody I can talk things out with that will make me feel better. Not my best friend, not anyone. I have me to work these things out on my own. Perhaps if I hadn’t been treated so badly during my marriage, I might be more apt to open up to someone. Perhaps not. But I like time to myself when things get really tough.
The past 4 months have been a bit stressful for me. Four months ago, my oldest daughter found her dad. I really wished she hadn’t, truth be known. Things didn’t turn out like she deserved them to turn out. The next three months, my concentration was on work and preparing for Christmas. This month I wasn’t able to breathe just yet, because I had to help prepare the store for inventory. Lucky for me, we did inventory this week so now I can sit back and breathe. And an added bonus is that I’m off until next week.
I found out yesterday that my grandmother has just been put on Hospice. She could be with us for 6 months, could be more, could be less. No one knows. I do know that it’s not easy seeing someone go through the effects of dementia that you’ve known your whole life. She’s actually my step-grandmother. My real grandmother passed away before I was born, so I never got to know her. But I have her letters, I’ve seen lots of pictures and a couple of home movies so I’ve got a feel who she was. My step-grandmother is real fragile these days. My grandfather passed away this week last year. It doesn’t seem like it’s been that long already.
I was talking to my best friend earlier tonight. I had a headache and he started making his usual comment that he wishes there was something someone could do for me. He said could tell that I had a headache and could also tell that I wasn’t feeling real well. I told him that since he could tell that, then he could probably almost bet that I don’t feel good 9 out of 10 times that he talks to me. He didn’t like hearing that, but tough. I also wouldn’t tell him what’s going on, he didn’t like that either. Beforehand, he had told me that he’s dating someone. I told him I always knew he eventually would. It’s not a big deal for me because in the long run, and realistically I’m his safety net. Always have been whether he wants to admit it that or not. I’ve always told him that and I refuse to be a safety net for him. I deserve better than that. I deserve someone who knows what they’ve got with me, wants to be with me and is willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. Not someone who knows what they’ve got, but isn’t willing to make it happen. That just wants to leave it all to fate until the circumstances are right (until my kids are out of school and I’m able to uproot myself. Really?). As much as I care for my best friend, I’d be ok with it if he ended up with someone else. There’s only one person from my past that it would really hit me hard if he were to find someone else, permanently. And it’s not my best friend.
Sighs. Anyway, goodnight.