There is so much I want to do. So much I want to get done in my life. At 40 years old, I still have dreams that I want to fulfill. I find little time to do the everyday necessities. I work 45-50 hours a week which doesn’t sound like much, but to a single mom it’s a lot. I grow weary trying to pay my bills, make sure my kids have a warm bed to sleep in at night and food on the table. I look forward to every March when my annual increase goes into effect. It isn’t much, but it helps. I get angry at all the people that refuse to work, spit out kids and expect hand-outs from our government. Yet I find myself struggling each month to make ends meet and yet I make a little over a thousand dollars a year too much to qualify for reduced meals at school for my kids. Sad. And I am not a person that blows her money or has a lot of excess in her life. There is no excess. I guess I would have to be homeless to actually qualify for something. I’m not complaining, I am grateful for all that I have. But it irritates me. I think back to when I was married to my ex-husband. He made me go apply for food stamps. I had a full-time job that didn’t pay much and he worked for one of his “friends” and yet I made more money than he did. He was a truck driver by trade, but when we moved back to East Texas he told me that it was time that I supported him for a change. Me…a person that up until a few months earlier had been a single mom with no college education. Ha! After that I was just a married woman with kids and no college education. After a while, he moved us into his parents house because they couldn’t manage to pay their own bills. Up until then, that was the worst two years of my young life. His mom had once wanted me to let her claim my kids on her income tax return. My asswipe ex was of course, being the supportive son and tried to convince me to let her do this ‘just this one time’. I was livid. I refused and got into a screaming match with his mother. I won and stood my ground. No way was that woman going to use my kids for her benefit. Not only was it illegal, but immoral as well. This was around the time that he made me go apply for food stamps. Things were tight, but were manageable. That was a low point for me. I looked around and saw all the people without jobs, but yet they drove shiny cadillacs. That disgusted me too. They had drug dealer written all over them. We, of course got denied because we were paying a car note. If we hadn’t been, they would have granted it. I was so relieved we got denied, I never wanted to do that in the first place.
Even when things aren’t looking too bright, I still remain positive. I know that this is just another rough patch in my life and I will pull through it with flying colors like I always have. I love to write and always have so much to say, but can never find the energy to stay up and do it. I tell myself that one day I will buy myself a laptop and then I will have no excuses. I will, one day, write a book. That is something I have wanted since I was a little girl. I still have not decided if I will use my own name or a pen name. Hmm. Decisions, decisions.
I also would like to some day buy a house in a foreign country, I’m thinking Italy. I love the landscape there. It’s so serene. Just lovely. I know that someday I will have that. Yes, I admit that I have high hopes for my future. But I will have it.