and I’ve been thinking….
that things are not gonna work…
Things started to change for me a few months ago. First, there was February, two days before Valentine’s Day. My favorite Texas country band came to the area, we went to the concert. We were sitting up in the bleachers, and while we were waiting for it to start, there was a girl that saw him and stopped and smiled and motioned for him to come to her. He acted as if he didn’t see her, but he was looking straight at her. She motioned him to come to her again. I started getting that old familiar feeling, the one I always got when I was married to him. When he was cheating. He tried to blow it off, but I asked who she was and he wouldn’t give me a straight answer. He finally told me that she works at Wal-Mart and wanted to go out with him. Then he went in to this big speech that he screwed up before and knew that he hurt me but he would never cheat on me again. He’d been drinking and wasn’t being quiet so I was a bit embarrassed. Right before his big speech, he’d told me he was going to change the ring on my left finger. Hmmz. Omen, perhaps?
Also in February, SO and I went to a concert where one of my favorite singers was performing, the one who sings our song. I’d always wanted to go see him and he was playing at this ATV park. I’d never been four-wheeling before so I agreed to give it a try. It was a place out in the woods about 40 miles from here sitting on 1000 acres. There was probably 75-100 people out there and it was butt cold. Plus we have that famous orange dirt around here, so the mud is orange as well. The only time I had fun was when I got to drive because SO’s driving scares me to death. He kept telling me I have to get used to it when he was driving fast. It wasn’t fun and it’s not something I would like to do again. It didn’t help that I had a horrible headache all day. The concert was amazing and I really enjoyed it, but that was about it. SO gets very selfish when we’re doing something he wants to do. It’s all about him, that hasn’t changed since we were married.
Then March came along when MS (my son) started getting into trouble. First there was the dead guy they found in his loft when his deadbeat friends threw him a birthday party. They found the guy on his birthday. I’ll never forget MS in tears calling me to tell me he was sorry and that he loves me. SO was there for me and would listen when I needed him to. But I don’t think he liked that I had drama going on in my life, it took focus off of him. And when things continued to get worse for MS, he couldn’t see that those kids were bad for him. None of his problems started until he got around them.
Nothing significant happened in April except for MS refusing to see that his ‘friends’ were bad news. Of course, since March I stayed upset. SO didn’t like that.
And then there was May. First there was Tater’s birthday. SO wasn’t at ease at my parents house, of course he never has been at ease around them. MS brought his friends over there. MS acted fine, but his ‘friends’ were acting a little strange. SO said they were high as a kite, I don’t know if they were or not. Then two nights later, MS got arrested. That was very emotional for me. And then there was my birthday, when SO got me NOTHING and I was made to feel bad, as if it was my fault. And then MS got me and Kiwi to go to a diner downtown where he was supposed to be singing that night. And then the thugs showed up and ruined it for me. Less than a week later, MS had the accident out at the lake. He tripped over something and hit his head on a coffee table and had to get stitches. The only one there that was sober made one of the thugs drive him 45 minutes to the hospital. When MS found out that I was in the room while he was getting stitched up, he said he didn’t want me to be there. Once everyone cleared the room, he started crying and said he was sorry and started crying again. He was still very, very drunk. He told me he didn’t want me seeing him like that. When the nurse came in he told me to leave, that broke my heart.
The next day, he went back to the loft with the thugs. I lived in constant fear that something worse was going to happen to him. I lived in constant fear. I got scared everytime there was a knock at my door. I was scared to death it was someone coming to tell me that my son had died. SO wasn’t very helpful. When I was crying and jsut needed someone to listen, he wanted to have his say. He kept telling me (literally) over and over, “He is a twenty-one (and he enunciated every syllable) year old man. You cannot help him.” He said some other things that I can’t remember. All I do remember is him repeating himself over and over enunciating his words like I was stupid and didn’t understand the first time. I was sad and worried every day. My son was on the verge of dying from being stupid and being around stupid people, but I wasn’t supposed to be affected by it.
Luckily, after a little over a week, he met NGF or should I say fiance!!! 🙂 We met her when he brought her to Kiwi’s graduation. And things really turned around. The nights leading up to his court appearance, NGF stayed with him. The night before his appearance, he stayed up all night, he couldn’t sleep. She said when she’d open her eyes, he was laying there looking at her and he would start crying. Everything was finally clear to him, he needed to get away from the thugs. He finally had a chance of turning things around for himself and he faced losing it all. It all seems like a lifetime ago, everything that happened in the past months before he met her. We all feel very blessed.
And SO, I’ve been drifting away from him further and further since Feb. 12th. We don’t like the same things. We get along ok, but he’s still got that underlying negativity. And it’s still about him. I was talking to Mom a few days ago. I told her how I was feeling. I’ll always love SO, of course, but I can’t see myself being married to him again. I jsut can’t. I’m not happy.
We used to see each other at least once a week. It was that way because of our conflicting work schedules. Since school has been out, he’s had his nephew staying with him. His brother and wife sent him to stay with SO for the summer to straighten him out. After 16 years of never disciplining their kids, the oldest is a heathen. Slang for him being an absolute terror. Since he’s been staying with SO, we see each other once every couple of weeks. The lack of our seeing each other hasn’t grown us apart, it’s been happening since February.
So, here we are today.
Last night, we took a drive to Shreveport to go to the boats. I’d never been and SO wanted to take me. To get there, we went through the small town we used to live in when we were married. It’s only a few miles away from where he lives now, but I hadn’t been through there since I left him 13 years ago. He commented that we were going through our old stomping grounds, I got quiet. On the way to Shreveport, he began telling me about times in the past that he’s been to the boats. Several years ago, he and a couple of friends (one former) had went to the boats. He told me that he lost around $400 that night and on the way there had gotten a $600 ticket. He stated that his former friend was married to his first wife. I then stated that he was married to me at the time, he got quiet. I was also pregnant with Tater. I’d told him that he had called me last that night crying because he went without letting me know. He also told me he skipped work that day.
I started thinking back to all the times we were struggling financially and could only imagine him hoarding money for himself. It made me sad. I didn’t have a good time last night, not because of his admissions. But because I jsut can’t see blowing money away mindlessly. I was also very tired last night. I was off from work yesterday, but ended up working 5 hours anyway. He knew I didn’t have a good time last night and he felt bad about it. At first I thought that maybe that’s what he liked about SHB. She liked gambling, 4-wheeling, flying by the seat of her pants. She had no responsibilities and liked to party and act stupid and do whatever she wanted. I’m the opposite. I’m responsible, have a good career and put my kids before everything else. I don’t know what I’m feeling right now. I jsut know that the past has had a huge impact on me.
I’ve been single most of my adult life. I was married for a few years, but things didn’t go as planned. Since then, I’ve had two long-term relationships and one extremely short-lived relationship. I’m the type of person that won’t stay in a relationship jsut to have somebody. If I’m by myself and I’m lonely, I deal with it. Being with someone because you’re lonely is the worst reason in the world. My grandmother was like that. At least that’s the impression I always got.
Back to the point of this blog. I’m also not the type of person that wants to date someone forever. And when I say forever, I mean 5-10 years down the road. If I’m going to be with someone long-term, it’s got to go somewhere further eventually. And when I say that, I don’t mean that I like to rush into things. Even if I love that person, I don’t want to date them forever and that’s as far as it goes. In my last relationship (I’m omitting NM here), I felt that he was stuck in a rut. I didn’t feel like he’d ever allow himself to get past someone else’s wrong doing. I loved him, but I never knew how he felt about me.
That’s a horrible feeling when you’re in a relationship and you’re in love with them. Never knowing if that person is even capable of loving someone else. And then eventually you’re in a relationship with a person that you love and he loves you. And you find yourself wondering if maybe the two of you don’t want the same things eventually. He says something that totally floors you, something that tells you that he doesn’t see things quite like you do. Even though you’ve never expressed these things to him. He says something that makes you feel totally alone, that whatever he does has no effect on you..either short-term or long-term. That you’re in this relationship by yourself.
I had the same feeling in my last relationship (again, omitting NM). I think he cared, but I don’t think he quite knew what he had in me. And then you start to wonder. Do we want the same things? Does he think I’m jsut going to date him forever and be happy with that? Is that what he wants? Men aren’t like women. They don’t analyze things like we do. In a way, they’re simple as far as the things they say. There’s not always a hidden meaning behind their words. And I know that. But when something is said that has an effect on you and makes you wonder, you start to think. So, that’s where I’m at. Thinking and wondering. Have I misinterpreted everything? Have I convinced myself that there is more to this whole thing than what there really is? I feel myself withdrawing back to that place inside myself where it’s safe. It’s not a real happy place or feeling, but it’s what I know. And it’s where I’m at.