Rough Times All Around

Tags

family, Life, parents

I worry constantly that I’m going to get that knock on my door that my son is dead. That’s my worst fear.

Now, SO found out yesterday that his mom has congenital heart failure. She’s also a smoker, but do you think any of this makes a difference to her? No. Her doctor has been telling her for years that she needs to stop, but she won’t. Me personally, I think it’s pretty selfish of her. SO doesn’t have much room to talk though. He took a brief hiatus from smoking, but secretly started again. His dad died back in December of ’08. SO is worried that now his mom will jsut give up with him being gone. That woman was never nice to me or my kids. But I’m sorry for SO’s sake.

Also, SO still hasn’t gotten skin grafts for the skin cancer, and he now has more spots. This worries me greatly.

Sighs.

Can’t I Be Happy Too?

Tags

grrrrr, Life, Love, men, Relationships, sad

There are times when I feel neglected, when I feel that I shouldn’t have to be making as much of an effort as I do. That an effort should be made for me too. That someone should want to make the effort to see me like I do for them. This is one of those times…Why is it that once men become comfortable with me, it feels like they quit trying as much? Don’t I deserve to be made a big deal out of? Is this what I always have to look forward to? Someone becoming content with where they’re at with me and not feeling that they have to try as much? Or is this jsut one of my insecurities coming through? I’m not at all high maintenance, I’m not demanding. I go with the flow and I rarely complain. Little things go a long way with me.

But I don’t feel that I should always be the one making arrangements to see one another. I almost feel like I’m intruding in someone else’s life. It’s been a little over a week since I’ve been over. In less than two days, I’m going out-of-town for almost the entire week. I had tonight and tomorrow night free. Was anything suggested that we see each other? No. Am I making too big of a deal out of this? I, jsut for once, want to feel that I’m needed…that I’m necessary in someone’s life. To be told at least every once in a while that I matter to them, that they miss me, that I make some sort of difference in their life, that I help to make their life better. Not to feel that I’m jsut a fixture in their life. Don’t get me wrong, I hear these things plenty. But what are his actions saying?

Tuesday I go to Houston and I’ll be gone til Friday. He’ll be on call all weekend, which leaves anything else (me) out. I know my job takes up some of my time in my life. It’s not often that I have to drop what I’m doing to run to the store. But it’s not unusual that I get a call when I’m off or on vacation,something concerning work. But I don’t mind. It’s my career, it’s my lively hood and I’m not about to step back from it. I want to move up from where I’m at. And I don’t want to have to depend on anyone other than myself. And I’m rambling. My job isn’t the problem. I want to feel important to someone. I want to feel that I’m worth them making the fucking effort for me. Why aren’t I worth someone coming to see or making the arrangements? Ugh! Basically, I feel that he’s lost his momentum. Maybe he’s plateaued. If this is a rut it’s all heading into, at least this time I recognize it.  In the meantime, I’m not going to call and ask if I can come over. I’m not going to call to make sure his day is going fine. For now, I think I’m jsut going to make myself scarce and see what happens…I’m jsut tired of being let down.

Protected: The One That Got Away

Tags

Life, Love, me, regret, Relationships, the past

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Being Single

Tags

him, Life, Love, Relationships, self-protect, us

I’ve been single most of my adult life. I was married for a few years, but things didn’t go as planned. Since then, I’ve had two long-term relationships and one extremely short-lived relationship. I’m the type of person that won’t stay in a relationship jsut to have somebody. If I’m by myself and I’m lonely, I deal with it. Being with someone because you’re lonely is the worst reason in the world. My grandmother was like that. At least that’s the impression I always got.

Back to the point of this blog. I’m also not the type of person that wants to date someone forever. And when I say forever, I mean 5-10 years down the road. If I’m going to be with someone long-term, it’s got to go somewhere further eventually. And when I say that, I don’t mean that I like to rush into things. Even if I love that person, I don’t want to date them forever and that’s as far as it goes. In my last relationship (I’m omitting NM here), I felt that he was stuck in a rut. I didn’t feel like he’d ever allow himself to get past someone else’s wrong doing. I loved him, but I never knew how he felt about me.

That’s a horrible feeling when you’re in a relationship and you’re in love with them. Never knowing if that person is even capable of loving someone else. And then eventually you’re in a relationship with a person that you love and he loves you. And you find yourself wondering if maybe the two of you don’t want the same things eventually. He says something that totally floors you, something that tells you that he doesn’t see things quite like you do. Even though you’ve never expressed these things to him. He says something that makes you feel totally alone, that whatever he does has no effect on you..either short-term or long-term. That you’re in this relationship by yourself.

I had the same feeling in my last relationship (again, omitting NM). I think he cared, but I don’t think he quite knew what he had in me. And then you start to wonder. Do we want the same things? Does he think I’m jsut going to date him forever and be happy with that? Is that what he wants? Men aren’t like women. They don’t analyze things like we do. In a way, they’re simple as far as the things they say. There’s not always a hidden meaning behind their words. And I know that. But when something is said that has an effect on you and makes you wonder, you start to think. So, that’s where I’m at. Thinking and wondering. Have I misinterpreted everything? Have I convinced myself that there is more to this whole thing than what there really is? I feel myself withdrawing back to that place inside myself where it’s safe. It’s not a real happy place or feeling, but it’s what I know. And it’s where I’m at.

On the menu today…

Tags

dog, food, Life, Love, me

Chicken livers, yum! There’s this fast chicken chain in town who make the best chicken livers in the friggin world! I love, love, LOVE chicken livers. I love beef livers too 🙂 This particular place is only down in the South, lucky for me. I also like their chicken strips, but I always walk away feeling like I have a 20lb brick in my tummy. But they’re jsut so tasty! So, forgive me, but I’m gonna munch on me livers and fried okra while I blog to you fine folks.

My son missed his morning class because he overslept. Why? Maybe because he played X-box til the wee hours of the morning. I long for the day that he gets over all that.

The swelling in my nose has finally started to go down and it’s now no longer bright red and shiny. I looked like Rudolph for a few days, literally! The constant throbbing is gone too, so I know the antibiotics are starting to work. The down side is that for BOTH meds, one of the side effects is that it gives you the shits, which set in this morning and in some cases, the severe shits. It also causes loss of appetite. I’m still waiting for that one to kick in. Maybe I can lose a few pounds through all of this.

Deleted…

Somebody wants to take me out this weekend. I’ll consider it. I’m older now and a lot wiser, so we’ll see. I think if anything, I’ll go out of sheer curiosity.

Oh! I don’t know if I mentioned it in an earlier post, but my son took the Boxer back after it chewed on my door. Turns out, he had left it at my parents old house and it ripped up the carpet in my parents room. Lucky for him, my mom was already planning to put tile down. So, doggy gone gone..on to, hopefully, a bigger yard and more tolerant people. I’m now looking for an American Eskimo for him. Those are hard to find!

So..that’s it for now!

Old/New

Tags

Life

Soooo…I’ve got something going on at the present time. Well, not right this second, but I think y’all get the jist. I don’t want to elaborate because I don’t want to get stoned. This has been coming for quite some time, I’ve just been avoiding it like a Mack truck. I know that if I were to go into detail, some of you might be so inclined to just shoot me. But I’ve got to follow my heart, yes?, and do what’s right by me. So, that is exactly what I’m going to do. Do what my heart desires, take that chance and see what happens. Think I’m stupid? Well fuck you too 🙂 Yes, Arie. Goody just dropped a second F-bomb in a two-month time span. I know that doesn’t happen very often. Anyway, just please wish me luck in my lil adventure and hope for the best for me. Approval is not needed on this one, I know what I’m doing. Maybe just a lil support? That is all. Ciao!

Marriage and Divorce for me

Tags

Divorce, Life, Love, Relationships, the ex-hub

Nine years ago I got a divorce. I was married for six years, one and a half of those six years I was separated. I felt like I’d been kicked in the teeth and couldn’t understand why I was being forced to endure the things I had in the past few years. None of it made any sense. For some, divorce is almost like a death and for me it was no different.

Leading up to the divorce, my ex had been working on the pipeline. Out on the road, men encounter many women in many different towns. Some men are smart enough to say no to it all, my ex-husband wasn’t. Needless to say, I found out on my own what he had been up to. Exactly a week for Christmas 11 years ago, I told him I wanted a divorce. I packed up my things and I left. He came home to a very quiet house. I left all the furniture and appliances. The only things I took were mine and my kids clothes and belongings. I purged myself of everything that reminded me of him. After the dust settled, we continued to see each other. Then I found out that he had met someone and moved her into our house we’d been renting. Another kick in the teeth. To add insult to injury, she was 19 – 10 years younger than me. To top it off, she was a bitch. And I’m not saying that out of bitterness, she was an utter bitch. Even though we were separated, it was obvious to me that she had no respect for the sanctity of marriage – just as he hadn’t. She knew he was married with kids when she met him and none of that mattered to her. A year later, our divorce was final. She actually wanted to come to the divorce, but apparently she’d had to work. I didn’t let her even meet my kids until she had been with my ex for about 3 years. The only reason I finally did is because my ex-boyfriend convinced me to let her meet them. I’ll save him for another blog.

When my ex and I had split up, I was so bitter and hurt by his actions that I wished upon him someone exactly like him. That they would treat him jsut as he had treated me and would act like he had. As fate would have it, I had got my wish. She was jsut as jealous and overbearing as he had been all those years. She was so jealous that she wouldn’t allow he and I to be friends. She didn’t understand why we needed to be friends even though we shared a child.

Over the years, I got used to having to go through her to discuss my daughter with my ex-husband – as ridiculous as it all was. There were times that I liked her better than him, only because I viewed him as a coward for not standing up to her.

A couple of months ago, he called me one morning at work – crying. He started apologizing for everything he’d ever put me through and for how she had treated me over the past few years. He then explained that she had left him for a younger man. She had been cheating on him for the past couple of months and was in love with this guy. Karma had dealt it’s hand. The irony of it all. Back when I had wished all that upon him, I was just hurt and I didn’t really mean any of it. I never would have dreamed it would all actually happen. My ex and I are back to being friends again and his divorce is supposed to be final any time now. Wow, what a switch all of this is. The moral of this story is, be careful of what you ask for…you may actually get it.

Things About Me

Tags

About Me, Life, me

(i used this idea from my friend’s blog…please forgive me!)

1) I turned 40 this year.

2) I am female.

3) I’m told I look younger than I really am.

4) I have 3 kids, 2 of which I had out of wedlock.

5) I detest anyone who bashes single mothers. I have been one most of my adult life. Don’t pity me, it’s by choice.

6) I have a career that I actually enjoy.

7) I bought my first house 10 months ago.

8 ) I hate roaches and spiders.

9) I wear a size 7 1/2 shoe.

10) I have been married and divorced.

11) Divorce was one of the best things I have ever done for myself.

12) I am stronger now than I have ever been.

13) My favorite genre of music is Country.

14) My favorite jazz singer is Michael Buble.

15) I have 2 dogs, a cat and very soon will have some fish.

16) I detest players. I also dislike liars.

17) I hate the N word.

18) I am a firm believer in the paranormal.

19) I’ve had my fair share of paranormal experiences which first started around the age of 13.

20) My sister had the same experiences before me.

21) When I was a teenager, I saw what was visiting me during the night. It scared the hell out of me and I still remember it just as clear today as the night it happened. I still fear it.

22) A year ago, the same thing started visiting my daughter in the night when she was at my parents house.

23) I am still the only one that has seen it.

24) I hate my parents house for the reasons I just listed.

25) I don’t like strangers to flirt with me. I don’t really enjoy non-strangers to do that as well.

26) It makes me uncomfortable when someone doats upon me. Perhaps I’ve just been doated upon by the wrong men.

27) I find intellectual men attractive.

28) I am told that I am intellectual as well, but that I try to just fit in with everyone else. I have been told this by many.

29) I love books.

30) Patricia Cornwell is my favorite author.

31) My lifelong dream is to someday write a book.

32) I rarely cry.

33) I’m very laid-back.

34) I hate drama and detest skanks. I like for my life to be simple and drama-free.

35) I rarely drink alcohol. But when I do, I like Shiner Bock.

36) I don’t smoke.

37) I’m told more times than not that I am too nice.

38) I was in Hurricanes Rita and Ike. I live 2 hours from the Gulf, so it didn’t take them long to make it through my town.

39) I have broken my little toe on each of my feet at least once (not at the same time).

40) I hate slapstick movies. I think they are stupid.

41) I desire to someday own a house in a foreign country.

42) I am a very reserved individual until someone gets to know me better. I don’t let many in.

43) I am right-handed, but can use my left as well.

44) Goldenrod is one of my favorite colors.

45) My ears are pierced.

46) Daisies are my favorite flowers.

47) I am an expert on unrequited love.

48) I am too forgiving.

49) Green Tea Frappuccino is my favorite Starbucks drink. Chai Tea Frappuccino runs a close second.

50) I enjoy fly-fishing.

51) I tie my own flies.

52) Nascar is my favorite sport (and yes, it is a sport).

53) I plan on eventually taking a writing course.

54) When I was 25, I was in a tornado. That same year I was in a hail storm.

55) I love my Egyptian Cotton sheets and Down Comforter.

56) I’m not a big fan of ice cream.

57) Today was the last time I cried (Wed May 20, 2009).

58) I truly believe the government could do something about the gas prices if they really wanted to. When Hurricane Katrina hit, they blamed the increased prices on the rigs out in the Gulf being put out of commission by the storm. Later, they blamed it on supply and demand. Later, they blamed it on the Saudis. Frankly, I think ‘they’ are full of crap.

59) I do not like having my picture taken.

60) One of my dogs is a Keeshond.

61) Sons of Anarchy is my favorite show. I also love Ghost Hunters and CSI: Miami.

62) I think Kurt Cobain was a musical genius and I truly believe he was murdered.

63) I love Texas Country music.

64) I dislike moochers.

65) I am a do-it-yourselfer.

66) That includes working on my own car and my computer.

67) I have a tattoo.

68) I love the Sims.

69) I love music & lyrics.

70) I own an electric guitar. I can play it a little, too.

71) Chili is my favorite meal.

72) I am right at 5’2″, maybe a little shy of it.

73) I have two best friends. One is female, one is male.

74) I like to dress up.

75) My levis and boots are my favorite attire. Yes, I wear a shirt too.

76) Italian is my favority type of food. I am also venturing into learning the language, along with French.

77) I love the crunchy edges on homemade pound cake.

78) I have tons of DVDs.

79) As a teenager I studied Egyptology. I find their history fascinating.

80) Pimpwar is my favorite online game.

81) If I am wrong, I will be the first to admit it.

82) I am genuine.

83) I get frequent headaches. It’s also genetic.

84) In ’99 I let stress get to me so much that I got ulcers and almost had a nervous breakdown. (I was going through a divorce). My ulcers still occassionaly act up.

85) I have Acid Reflux Disease.

86) I’m allergic to a long list of foods.

87) I don’t follow the diet I am supposed to.

88) I usually get a maximum of 6 hours sleep a night, if that.

89) Beautiful, Red, Red Door and Sensuous are my favorite perfumes. I also like Andron.

90) I only sing in the car.

91) I hate asparagus.

92) I enjoy eating green olives with my spaghetti.

93) I’m stubborn.

94) I’m anaemic.

95) I trust very few people.

96) Cary Grant is one of my favorite actors.

97) Holiday Inn is one of my favorite all-time movies.

98) I enjoy doing genealogy research. I have traced one of my lines all the way back to 1094.

99) I wear a Livestrong bracelet and never take it off.

100) I eat like a bird.