There are times when I feel neglected, when I feel that I shouldn’t have to be making as much of an effort as I do. That an effort should be made for me too. That someone should want to make the effort to see me like I do for them. This is one of those times…Why is it that once men become comfortable with me, it feels like they quit trying as much? Don’t I deserve to be made a big deal out of? Is this what I always have to look forward to? Someone becoming content with where they’re at with me and not feeling that they have to try as much? Or is this jsut one of my insecurities coming through? I’m not at all high maintenance, I’m not demanding. I go with the flow and I rarely complain. Little things go a long way with me.
But I don’t feel that I should always be the one making arrangements to see one another. I almost feel like I’m intruding in someone else’s life. It’s been a little over a week since I’ve been over. In less than two days, I’m going out-of-town for almost the entire week. I had tonight and tomorrow night free. Was anything suggested that we see each other? No. Am I making too big of a deal out of this? I, jsut for once, want to feel that I’m needed…that I’m necessary in someone’s life. To be told at least every once in a while that I matter to them, that they miss me, that I make some sort of difference in their life, that I help to make their life better. Not to feel that I’m jsut a fixture in their life. Don’t get me wrong, I hear these things plenty. But what are his actions saying?
Tuesday I go to Houston and I’ll be gone til Friday. He’ll be on call all weekend, which leaves anything else (me) out. I know my job takes up some of my time in my life. It’s not often that I have to drop what I’m doing to run to the store. But it’s not unusual that I get a call when I’m off or on vacation,something concerning work. But I don’t mind. It’s my career, it’s my lively hood and I’m not about to step back from it. I want to move up from where I’m at. And I don’t want to have to depend on anyone other than myself. And I’m rambling. My job isn’t the problem. I want to feel important to someone. I want to feel that I’m worth them making the fucking effort for me. Why aren’t I worth someone coming to see or making the arrangements? Ugh! Basically, I feel that he’s lost his momentum. Maybe he’s plateaued. If this is a rut it’s all heading into, at least this time I recognize it. In the meantime, I’m not going to call and ask if I can come over. I’m not going to call to make sure his day is going fine. For now, I think I’m jsut going to make myself scarce and see what happens…I’m jsut tired of being let down.