and I’ve been thinking….
that things are not gonna work…
Things started to change for me a few months ago. First, there was February, two days before Valentine’s Day. My favorite Texas country band came to the area, we went to the concert. We were sitting up in the bleachers, and while we were waiting for it to start, there was a girl that saw him and stopped and smiled and motioned for him to come to her. He acted as if he didn’t see her, but he was looking straight at her. She motioned him to come to her again. I started getting that old familiar feeling, the one I always got when I was married to him. When he was cheating. He tried to blow it off, but I asked who she was and he wouldn’t give me a straight answer. He finally told me that she works at Wal-Mart and wanted to go out with him. Then he went in to this big speech that he screwed up before and knew that he hurt me but he would never cheat on me again. He’d been drinking and wasn’t being quiet so I was a bit embarrassed. Right before his big speech, he’d told me he was going to change the ring on my left finger. Hmmz. Omen, perhaps?
Also in February, SO and I went to a concert where one of my favorite singers was performing, the one who sings our song. I’d always wanted to go see him and he was playing at this ATV park. I’d never been four-wheeling before so I agreed to give it a try. It was a place out in the woods about 40 miles from here sitting on 1000 acres. There was probably 75-100 people out there and it was butt cold. Plus we have that famous orange dirt around here, so the mud is orange as well. The only time I had fun was when I got to drive because SO’s driving scares me to death. He kept telling me I have to get used to it when he was driving fast. It wasn’t fun and it’s not something I would like to do again. It didn’t help that I had a horrible headache all day. The concert was amazing and I really enjoyed it, but that was about it. SO gets very selfish when we’re doing something he wants to do. It’s all about him, that hasn’t changed since we were married.
Then March came along when MS (my son) started getting into trouble. First there was the dead guy they found in his loft when his deadbeat friends threw him a birthday party. They found the guy on his birthday. I’ll never forget MS in tears calling me to tell me he was sorry and that he loves me. SO was there for me and would listen when I needed him to. But I don’t think he liked that I had drama going on in my life, it took focus off of him. And when things continued to get worse for MS, he couldn’t see that those kids were bad for him. None of his problems started until he got around them.
Nothing significant happened in April except for MS refusing to see that his ‘friends’ were bad news. Of course, since March I stayed upset. SO didn’t like that.
And then there was May. First there was Tater’s birthday. SO wasn’t at ease at my parents house, of course he never has been at ease around them. MS brought his friends over there. MS acted fine, but his ‘friends’ were acting a little strange. SO said they were high as a kite, I don’t know if they were or not. Then two nights later, MS got arrested. That was very emotional for me. And then there was my birthday, when SO got me NOTHING and I was made to feel bad, as if it was my fault. And then MS got me and Kiwi to go to a diner downtown where he was supposed to be singing that night. And then the thugs showed up and ruined it for me. Less than a week later, MS had the accident out at the lake. He tripped over something and hit his head on a coffee table and had to get stitches. The only one there that was sober made one of the thugs drive him 45 minutes to the hospital. When MS found out that I was in the room while he was getting stitched up, he said he didn’t want me to be there. Once everyone cleared the room, he started crying and said he was sorry and started crying again. He was still very, very drunk. He told me he didn’t want me seeing him like that. When the nurse came in he told me to leave, that broke my heart.
The next day, he went back to the loft with the thugs. I lived in constant fear that something worse was going to happen to him. I lived in constant fear. I got scared everytime there was a knock at my door. I was scared to death it was someone coming to tell me that my son had died. SO wasn’t very helpful. When I was crying and jsut needed someone to listen, he wanted to have his say. He kept telling me (literally) over and over, “He is a twenty-one (and he enunciated every syllable) year old man. You cannot help him.” He said some other things that I can’t remember. All I do remember is him repeating himself over and over enunciating his words like I was stupid and didn’t understand the first time. I was sad and worried every day. My son was on the verge of dying from being stupid and being around stupid people, but I wasn’t supposed to be affected by it.
Luckily, after a little over a week, he met NGF or should I say fiance!!! 🙂 We met her when he brought her to Kiwi’s graduation. And things really turned around. The nights leading up to his court appearance, NGF stayed with him. The night before his appearance, he stayed up all night, he couldn’t sleep. She said when she’d open her eyes, he was laying there looking at her and he would start crying. Everything was finally clear to him, he needed to get away from the thugs. He finally had a chance of turning things around for himself and he faced losing it all. It all seems like a lifetime ago, everything that happened in the past months before he met her. We all feel very blessed.
And SO, I’ve been drifting away from him further and further since Feb. 12th. We don’t like the same things. We get along ok, but he’s still got that underlying negativity. And it’s still about him. I was talking to Mom a few days ago. I told her how I was feeling. I’ll always love SO, of course, but I can’t see myself being married to him again. I jsut can’t. I’m not happy.
We used to see each other at least once a week. It was that way because of our conflicting work schedules. Since school has been out, he’s had his nephew staying with him. His brother and wife sent him to stay with SO for the summer to straighten him out. After 16 years of never disciplining their kids, the oldest is a heathen. Slang for him being an absolute terror. Since he’s been staying with SO, we see each other once every couple of weeks. The lack of our seeing each other hasn’t grown us apart, it’s been happening since February.
So, here we are today.
It’s amazing how completely botching my birthday can have such a profound effect on me. Please don’t think me to be materialist, because I’m not. I never ask for anything from anyone and never expect the person I’m with to dote on me. But when there’s a past history of belittlement, insensitivity, and selfishness (among other things), I tend to remember. I don’t want to go through life with someone who’s going to jsut put me on the back burner and then be made to feel (intended or not) like the bad guy. I know you all have high hopes for me and I don’t expect you to completely understand. Mostly because when you all met me, I’d only been divorced a couple of years and had already managed to get myself over the hump. My family has seen me go through it all. The 5 short years of being made to feel inadequate and not so important and then all the meanness that followed.
I’m not sure what I’m going to do at this point, but I promise you I will be doing a lot of reflecting. Yes, the past 7 months might have been good up until now. And I have seen small similarities to the past. But if this is only a glimpse of what’s to come, I don’t want to travel that road anymore. My only regret is that my daughter will be extremely disappointed if I choose to walk away. We haven’t been able to spend any time together in the past couple of weeks. And it’s seemed here in the past couple of months that the longer we’re together, the less we see of one another. And we live 20 miles apart. Same ole song and dance in my life, it’s me going to see him. Lucky for me, he leaves tomorrow to get his nephew who is to spend the summer with him. It’s his brother and sister-in-law’s last stitch to save their first born, he’s to go stay with SO and let him straighten the kid out. Another result of choosing not to discipline their child. I’m hoping during this time, I’ll find some clarity.
Signing out for now…
Last night, we took a drive to Shreveport to go to the boats. I’d never been and SO wanted to take me. To get there, we went through the small town we used to live in when we were married. It’s only a few miles away from where he lives now, but I hadn’t been through there since I left him 13 years ago. He commented that we were going through our old stomping grounds, I got quiet. On the way to Shreveport, he began telling me about times in the past that he’s been to the boats. Several years ago, he and a couple of friends (one former) had went to the boats. He told me that he lost around $400 that night and on the way there had gotten a $600 ticket. He stated that his former friend was married to his first wife. I then stated that he was married to me at the time, he got quiet. I was also pregnant with Tater. I’d told him that he had called me last that night crying because he went without letting me know. He also told me he skipped work that day.
I started thinking back to all the times we were struggling financially and could only imagine him hoarding money for himself. It made me sad. I didn’t have a good time last night, not because of his admissions. But because I jsut can’t see blowing money away mindlessly. I was also very tired last night. I was off from work yesterday, but ended up working 5 hours anyway. He knew I didn’t have a good time last night and he felt bad about it. At first I thought that maybe that’s what he liked about SHB. She liked gambling, 4-wheeling, flying by the seat of her pants. She had no responsibilities and liked to party and act stupid and do whatever she wanted. I’m the opposite. I’m responsible, have a good career and put my kids before everything else. I don’t know what I’m feeling right now. I jsut know that the past has had a huge impact on me.
Last night, I spent some time with SO. He was on call with the wrecker all weekend, but luckily he didn’t get a call while I was over there. One of the things we enjoy doing is jsut snuggling in each others arms, it’s our quiet time. I cherish it because it’s something we never did before. I also sometimes worry that he’ll eventually grow tired of it like most men do. They become too comfortable with the person they’re with and they jsut quit trying. It’s happened to me before with others from the past and I hope that doesn’t happen with us again. He quit trying after we got married and I’ll be heartbroken if he gets that way again. He was especially quiet last night and I knew something was on his mind. I asked him a couple of times, but there was no getting anything out of him. Eventually he admitted there is something he’s not telling me, but said he would tell me eventually. He also told me he’s done nothing wrong, that he hasn’t done anything he shouldn’t. I told him I know he hasn’t. I do, however, worry about what it could be. The first thing that came to mind is the possible skin cancer. I can’t handle any bad news when it comes to him. During this time he continually caressed my ring finger and I could tell he was deep in thought. I jsut wish he’d tell me whatever it is. I hate not knowing and I hope I can handle whatever it is that he has to tell me.
Chicken livers, yum! There’s this fast chicken chain in town who make the best chicken livers in the friggin world! I love, love, LOVE chicken livers. I love beef livers too 🙂 This particular place is only down in the South, lucky for me. I also like their chicken strips, but I always walk away feeling like I have a 20lb brick in my tummy. But they’re jsut so tasty! So, forgive me, but I’m gonna munch on me livers and fried okra while I blog to you fine folks.
My son missed his morning class because he overslept. Why? Maybe because he played X-box til the wee hours of the morning. I long for the day that he gets over all that.
The swelling in my nose has finally started to go down and it’s now no longer bright red and shiny. I looked like Rudolph for a few days, literally! The constant throbbing is gone too, so I know the antibiotics are starting to work. The down side is that for BOTH meds, one of the side effects is that it gives you the shits, which set in this morning and in some cases, the severe shits. It also causes loss of appetite. I’m still waiting for that one to kick in. Maybe I can lose a few pounds through all of this.
Somebody wants to take me out this weekend. I’ll consider it. I’m older now and a lot wiser, so we’ll see. I think if anything, I’ll go out of sheer curiosity.
Oh! I don’t know if I mentioned it in an earlier post, but my son took the Boxer back after it chewed on my door. Turns out, he had left it at my parents old house and it ripped up the carpet in my parents room. Lucky for him, my mom was already planning to put tile down. So, doggy gone gone..on to, hopefully, a bigger yard and more tolerant people. I’m now looking for an American Eskimo for him. Those are hard to find!
So..that’s it for now!
So, when I first created this blog I tried to use my Goody name. It was already taken. Tonight I decided to see what this person’s blog looked like. I typed the blog address in my address bar and wordpress said it’s been deleted. But I still can’t use that account name even though someone closed it. Bastards!
(i used this idea from my friend’s blog…please forgive me!)
1) I turned 40 this year.
2) I am female.
3) I’m told I look younger than I really am.
4) I have 3 kids, 2 of which I had out of wedlock.
5) I detest anyone who bashes single mothers. I have been one most of my adult life. Don’t pity me, it’s by choice.
6) I have a career that I actually enjoy.
7) I bought my first house 10 months ago.
8 ) I hate roaches and spiders.
9) I wear a size 7 1/2 shoe.
10) I have been married and divorced.
11) Divorce was one of the best things I have ever done for myself.
12) I am stronger now than I have ever been.
13) My favorite genre of music is Country.
14) My favorite jazz singer is Michael Buble.
15) I have 2 dogs, a cat and very soon will have some fish.
16) I detest players. I also dislike liars.
17) I hate the N word.
18) I am a firm believer in the paranormal.
19) I’ve had my fair share of paranormal experiences which first started around the age of 13.
20) My sister had the same experiences before me.
21) When I was a teenager, I saw what was visiting me during the night. It scared the hell out of me and I still remember it just as clear today as the night it happened. I still fear it.
22) A year ago, the same thing started visiting my daughter in the night when she was at my parents house.
23) I am still the only one that has seen it.
24) I hate my parents house for the reasons I just listed.
25) I don’t like strangers to flirt with me. I don’t really enjoy non-strangers to do that as well.
26) It makes me uncomfortable when someone doats upon me. Perhaps I’ve just been doated upon by the wrong men.
27) I find intellectual men attractive.
28) I am told that I am intellectual as well, but that I try to just fit in with everyone else. I have been told this by many.
29) I love books.
30) Patricia Cornwell is my favorite author.
31) My lifelong dream is to someday write a book.
32) I rarely cry.
33) I’m very laid-back.
34) I hate drama and detest skanks. I like for my life to be simple and drama-free.
35) I rarely drink alcohol. But when I do, I like Shiner Bock.
36) I don’t smoke.
37) I’m told more times than not that I am too nice.
38) I was in Hurricanes Rita and Ike. I live 2 hours from the Gulf, so it didn’t take them long to make it through my town.
39) I have broken my little toe on each of my feet at least once (not at the same time).
40) I hate slapstick movies. I think they are stupid.
41) I desire to someday own a house in a foreign country.
42) I am a very reserved individual until someone gets to know me better. I don’t let many in.
43) I am right-handed, but can use my left as well.
44) Goldenrod is one of my favorite colors.
45) My ears are pierced.
46) Daisies are my favorite flowers.
47) I am an expert on unrequited love.
48) I am too forgiving.
49) Green Tea Frappuccino is my favorite Starbucks drink. Chai Tea Frappuccino runs a close second.
50) I enjoy fly-fishing.
51) I tie my own flies.
52) Nascar is my favorite sport (and yes, it is a sport).
53) I plan on eventually taking a writing course.
54) When I was 25, I was in a tornado. That same year I was in a hail storm.
55) I love my Egyptian Cotton sheets and Down Comforter.
56) I’m not a big fan of ice cream.
57) Today was the last time I cried (Wed May 20, 2009).
58) I truly believe the government could do something about the gas prices if they really wanted to. When Hurricane Katrina hit, they blamed the increased prices on the rigs out in the Gulf being put out of commission by the storm. Later, they blamed it on supply and demand. Later, they blamed it on the Saudis. Frankly, I think ‘they’ are full of crap.
59) I do not like having my picture taken.
60) One of my dogs is a Keeshond.
61) Sons of Anarchy is my favorite show. I also love Ghost Hunters and CSI: Miami.
62) I think Kurt Cobain was a musical genius and I truly believe he was murdered.
63) I love Texas Country music.
64) I dislike moochers.
65) I am a do-it-yourselfer.
66) That includes working on my own car and my computer.
67) I have a tattoo.
68) I love the Sims.
69) I love music & lyrics.
70) I own an electric guitar. I can play it a little, too.
71) Chili is my favorite meal.
72) I am right at 5’2″, maybe a little shy of it.
73) I have two best friends. One is female, one is male.
74) I like to dress up.
75) My levis and boots are my favorite attire. Yes, I wear a shirt too.
76) Italian is my favority type of food. I am also venturing into learning the language, along with French.
77) I love the crunchy edges on homemade pound cake.
78) I have tons of DVDs.
79) As a teenager I studied Egyptology. I find their history fascinating.
80) Pimpwar is my favorite online game.
81) If I am wrong, I will be the first to admit it.
82) I am genuine.
83) I get frequent headaches. It’s also genetic.
84) In ’99 I let stress get to me so much that I got ulcers and almost had a nervous breakdown. (I was going through a divorce). My ulcers still occassionaly act up.
85) I have Acid Reflux Disease.
86) I’m allergic to a long list of foods.
87) I don’t follow the diet I am supposed to.
88) I usually get a maximum of 6 hours sleep a night, if that.
89) Beautiful, Red, Red Door and Sensuous are my favorite perfumes. I also like Andron.
90) I only sing in the car.
91) I hate asparagus.
92) I enjoy eating green olives with my spaghetti.
93) I’m stubborn.
94) I’m anaemic.
95) I trust very few people.
96) Cary Grant is one of my favorite actors.
97) Holiday Inn is one of my favorite all-time movies.
98) I enjoy doing genealogy research. I have traced one of my lines all the way back to 1094.
99) I wear a Livestrong bracelet and never take it off.
100) I eat like a bird.