For the first time since 1997, we spent Christmas together – us and the kids. And that above is what he got me. He had teased me leading up to Christmas telling me that he’d bought me a pair of Crocs, and I hate Crocs. He was kidding, of course. But I think he did good on the gift buying. I got him a couple of pairs of Levis, some jammies, shirts and some Tim McGraw cologne that smells yummy. He told me he knew I’d end up re-dressing him. He’s been wearing Izod shirts that make him look like someone who plays golf. My intentions are not to change his look or anything silly like that. But he’s like me, he doesn’t shop for himself and he could use some new clothes.
This week, our plan was to see each other yesterday, but he had some bad pizza and was sick most of the day. We planned to see each other tonight, but he’s also trying to fight a cold. He wanted me to come over, but I told him I’d let him heal another day and I’ll come over tomorrow. I asked our daughter if she’s fine with my seeing him tomorrow. She told me it’s fine and said she likes it when I see him because I seem so happy. I am. I feel whole and like myself. Not because he makes me feel like me, but because after so long..I’ve allowed myself to let someone in 100% and to give myself 100%. I don’t know that I did that when we were married. I know that I loved him, but I was so inexperienced at love. Yes, I has two small kids when we’d first met, but I’d had very bad luck with relationships. They were destructive and very short-lived.
I don’t regret the years we spent apart after our divorce because I think they were a learning experience for both of us. I had wished someone horrible upon him, I jsut never expected it to really happen. But it did and it made him realize what he had lost in me. And me, I learned to love two very special men. One who has been my best friend for the past 12 years. And one who I am still friends with that I will always hold dear in a special place of his own who has not yet learned to let go of his own past, no matter how much loneliness and sorrow it brings him. I regret nothing and am very grateful for having sharing the time I did with each of them. I’m doing a bit of reflecting lately, I guess that’s what you’re supposed to do at the end of each year. I’ve not yet decided on any New Year’s resolutions. I only know that I want to
be remain happy.