to him being ready 🙂
to him being ready 🙂
Last night, we took a drive to Shreveport to go to the boats. I’d never been and SO wanted to take me. To get there, we went through the small town we used to live in when we were married. It’s only a few miles away from where he lives now, but I hadn’t been through there since I left him 13 years ago. He commented that we were going through our old stomping grounds, I got quiet. On the way to Shreveport, he began telling me about times in the past that he’s been to the boats. Several years ago, he and a couple of friends (one former) had went to the boats. He told me that he lost around $400 that night and on the way there had gotten a $600 ticket. He stated that his former friend was married to his first wife. I then stated that he was married to me at the time, he got quiet. I was also pregnant with Tater. I’d told him that he had called me last that night crying because he went without letting me know. He also told me he skipped work that day.
I started thinking back to all the times we were struggling financially and could only imagine him hoarding money for himself. It made me sad. I didn’t have a good time last night, not because of his admissions. But because I jsut can’t see blowing money away mindlessly. I was also very tired last night. I was off from work yesterday, but ended up working 5 hours anyway. He knew I didn’t have a good time last night and he felt bad about it. At first I thought that maybe that’s what he liked about SHB. She liked gambling, 4-wheeling, flying by the seat of her pants. She had no responsibilities and liked to party and act stupid and do whatever she wanted. I’m the opposite. I’m responsible, have a good career and put my kids before everything else. I don’t know what I’m feeling right now. I jsut know that the past has had a huge impact on me.
I’ve been single most of my adult life. I was married for a few years, but things didn’t go as planned. Since then, I’ve had two long-term relationships and one extremely short-lived relationship. I’m the type of person that won’t stay in a relationship jsut to have somebody. If I’m by myself and I’m lonely, I deal with it. Being with someone because you’re lonely is the worst reason in the world. My grandmother was like that. At least that’s the impression I always got.
Back to the point of this blog. I’m also not the type of person that wants to date someone forever. And when I say forever, I mean 5-10 years down the road. If I’m going to be with someone long-term, it’s got to go somewhere further eventually. And when I say that, I don’t mean that I like to rush into things. Even if I love that person, I don’t want to date them forever and that’s as far as it goes. In my last relationship (I’m omitting NM here), I felt that he was stuck in a rut. I didn’t feel like he’d ever allow himself to get past someone else’s wrong doing. I loved him, but I never knew how he felt about me.
That’s a horrible feeling when you’re in a relationship and you’re in love with them. Never knowing if that person is even capable of loving someone else. And then eventually you’re in a relationship with a person that you love and he loves you. And you find yourself wondering if maybe the two of you don’t want the same things eventually. He says something that totally floors you, something that tells you that he doesn’t see things quite like you do. Even though you’ve never expressed these things to him. He says something that makes you feel totally alone, that whatever he does has no effect on you..either short-term or long-term. That you’re in this relationship by yourself.
I had the same feeling in my last relationship (again, omitting NM). I think he cared, but I don’t think he quite knew what he had in me. And then you start to wonder. Do we want the same things? Does he think I’m jsut going to date him forever and be happy with that? Is that what he wants? Men aren’t like women. They don’t analyze things like we do. In a way, they’re simple as far as the things they say. There’s not always a hidden meaning behind their words. And I know that. But when something is said that has an effect on you and makes you wonder, you start to think. So, that’s where I’m at. Thinking and wondering. Have I misinterpreted everything? Have I convinced myself that there is more to this whole thing than what there really is? I feel myself withdrawing back to that place inside myself where it’s safe. It’s not a real happy place or feeling, but it’s what I know. And it’s where I’m at.
Last night, I spent some time with SO. He was on call with the wrecker all weekend, but luckily he didn’t get a call while I was over there. One of the things we enjoy doing is jsut snuggling in each others arms, it’s our quiet time. I cherish it because it’s something we never did before. I also sometimes worry that he’ll eventually grow tired of it like most men do. They become too comfortable with the person they’re with and they jsut quit trying. It’s happened to me before with others from the past and I hope that doesn’t happen with us again. He quit trying after we got married and I’ll be heartbroken if he gets that way again. He was especially quiet last night and I knew something was on his mind. I asked him a couple of times, but there was no getting anything out of him. Eventually he admitted there is something he’s not telling me, but said he would tell me eventually. He also told me he’s done nothing wrong, that he hasn’t done anything he shouldn’t. I told him I know he hasn’t. I do, however, worry about what it could be. The first thing that came to mind is the possible skin cancer. I can’t handle any bad news when it comes to him. During this time he continually caressed my ring finger and I could tell he was deep in thought. I jsut wish he’d tell me whatever it is. I hate not knowing and I hope I can handle whatever it is that he has to tell me.
On New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day, the store closed early. For some reason, people don’t understand why employees would want to spend the holidays with their families. My son spent time with his friends, my oldest daughter spent New Year’s Eve with her best friend. My daughter and I spent it with my Significant Other (her daddy). We stayed over at his best friend’s house who live out in the sticks. Our daughter is good friends with his girlfriend’s daughter. So we had a nice time with his friends. They all got drunk, that was pretty funny. The girls had fun catching up also. My sweetie shot off a roman candle at the ground which ended up under my car. I moved it rather quickly, especially since the grass caught on fire. We all went to bed shortly after midnight. The girls slept late, I woke up with a migraine and my sweetie woke up with a hangover lol. I didn’t drink anything the night before because I’m not much of a drinker, plus I had to be at work on New Year’s Day. So, that’s how we brought in the New Year, with good times, good friends and family. I am glad I got to spend it with him and was able to wake up in his arms, that was the most amazing part 🙂 I’m hoping things continue to go well for us and that this year brings us lots of happy memories together.
For the first time since 1997, we spent Christmas together – us and the kids. And that above is what he got me. He had teased me leading up to Christmas telling me that he’d bought me a pair of Crocs, and I hate Crocs. He was kidding, of course. But I think he did good on the gift buying. I got him a couple of pairs of Levis, some jammies, shirts and some Tim McGraw cologne that smells yummy. He told me he knew I’d end up re-dressing him. He’s been wearing Izod shirts that make him look like someone who plays golf. My intentions are not to change his look or anything silly like that. But he’s like me, he doesn’t shop for himself and he could use some new clothes.
This week, our plan was to see each other yesterday, but he had some bad pizza and was sick most of the day. We planned to see each other tonight, but he’s also trying to fight a cold. He wanted me to come over, but I told him I’d let him heal another day and I’ll come over tomorrow. I asked our daughter if she’s fine with my seeing him tomorrow. She told me it’s fine and said she likes it when I see him because I seem so happy. I am. I feel whole and like myself. Not because he makes me feel like me, but because after so long..I’ve allowed myself to let someone in 100% and to give myself 100%. I don’t know that I did that when we were married. I know that I loved him, but I was so inexperienced at love. Yes, I has two small kids when we’d first met, but I’d had very bad luck with relationships. They were destructive and very short-lived.
I don’t regret the years we spent apart after our divorce because I think they were a learning experience for both of us. I had wished someone horrible upon him, I jsut never expected it to really happen. But it did and it made him realize what he had lost in me. And me, I learned to love two very special men. One who has been my best friend for the past 12 years. And one who I am still friends with that I will always hold dear in a special place of his own who has not yet learned to let go of his own past, no matter how much loneliness and sorrow it brings him. I regret nothing and am very grateful for having sharing the time I did with each of them. I’m doing a bit of reflecting lately, I guess that’s what you’re supposed to do at the end of each year. I’ve not yet decided on any New Year’s resolutions. I only know that I want to
be remain happy.
That’s what my man has…baggage. Aren’t men supposed to be the strong ones? Not only that, but I’m sick of people not stopping to ask themselves if they really should say something before they say it. And then when they do say it, they’re surprised at your reaction. Yes, you pissed me off last night (not that you will ever be reading this because you don’t get on the internet). And surprise! I almost left your house when you reacted the way you did to my reaction, which is why I told you we didn’t need to talk about it any longer. Yes, I realize it put a damper on the rest of the evening because I could think of nothing else but your unbelievable question and comment. And then it pissed me off when you were trying to be funny about my choice of music. I know you were trying to make me laugh, but I was already put off by you. I happen to love jazz, don’t knock it or get out of my car 🙂 Currently, I’m doing much soul-searching. And we are to talk tonight. Even though I would love nothing more than to keep my thoughts to myself, we promised that we wouldn’t hide anything from each other. Honesty. Well, tonight you’re getting brutal honesty. I know we’re nowhere even close to where we should to talk about what we did last night. But don’t be all flip-floppy on me. Somehow, I don’t think you’ll like what I have to say tonight and vice versa. And for once, don’t bring what that whore did to you into it. I’m not her you dumbass and you know that because you were with me for 6 friggin years before that skanky bitch! Quit punishing me for what she did to you and bringing your recycled bullshit into our relationship! Sighs.